Friday, January 14, 2011

Second Marriage Child Rearing

First in a series of three about family adjustments when families change.

When a parent with children marries a second time, family circumstances can be complex. The stepparent in most states is a “legal stranger.” That means the stepfather (if Mom brings the children into the marriage) has no legal right to the minor child’s discipline no matter how involved in the child’s life he may be. If Dad brings the children to the marriage, Mom is the “legal stranger.”

The rights and privileges remain with the biological parents. The legal stranger, though married to one biological parent, has no rights concerning the child unless he is assigned them by an adoption agreement with the biological parents. And, of course, the package includes responsibilities such as child support and educational necessities. Even if one biological parent is a “non-custodial parent,” that is, no longer in the picture, he or she retains specified rights as well as responsibilities.

Married or not, partners in a long-term relationship must cooperate in parenting. This requires talk and negotiation with and without smaller ears listening in. Both parents have to back up each other when one steps in to do his part.
When I was counseling Jason’s mother through some tough times, 13-year-old Jason asked her for money to buy a video game. She said, “Ask your father.”

Going-on-14 said, “You mean Franklin? He’s not my father.”

Mom said, “He is in this house, go ask him if he will help you.” Franklin said no to the violent video game but offered to buy Jason his second choice, a GPS “app” for Jason’s phone. Jason was learning something about the good side of Mom’s effort to rebuild her social life and about his place in the family.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Census, over 50 percent of the 60 million children under 13 are living with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner. Whatever these children do is likely to get some parental or current partner reaction. It will be negative or positive or the parenting powers will react with indifference.

Since both “old” parents and new ones know the bad behaviors when they see them, they may be less clear about the good behaviors and react to them less often. Newcomers in this parenting situation can easily overlook their responsibility to admire good things of their new “offspring.” They may presume that parent number 1 should do that. The relationship with kids will change fast when the positive reactions are left out. To correct the situation, let’s start with two good family rules the new couple should talk over frequently.

Rule 1: Find the good behaviors. New Dads seem to have the most trouble finding good behaviors and reacting to them. Dads XE father: attitudes of may hold back on compliments and praise when trying to keep their newly acquired teen or preteen on the right path.
It may be that we Dads set our standards too high or we may think that compliments will indicate weakness. Afraid we will lose our thunder, we leave the positive stuff, too often, to Mom. Dad needs to make the effort.

Rule 2: Careful with conversation. When it comes to serious conversation, many parents find their teen or preteen to be elusive prey not easily cornered or impressed.

Issues and new ideas are part of the "brain exercise" all children and teens need. When a sensitive topic comes up, parents and stepparents need to resist “telling” their child and begin a discussion on neutral ground instead.

Check your physical message. Do you still have the remote in hand, finger poised over the mute button? Put it away, face your son or daughter and look at them often.

Avoid criticisms that are likely to be taken personally and internalized by your teen or child. "What (inside condition) makes you so inconsiderate, so negative? Why don't you pay more attention to what you're saying? What were you thinking of?"
Such inside blame is a dangerous parental habit because the child-teen is viewed as "having" (inside) a nearly unchangeable character. Better to keep the “you” out of it: “That's a different point of view.” “What would your teacher think of that?”

We parents usually think the topic of conversation is the most important part while teens are likely to focus on what the conversation implies about them personally. Keep the subject on a third-person basis as much as possible as you would with an adult. Say, “Then what happened?” instead of, “Then what did you do?” “It's hard to get along with everyone,” instead of, “You should be more friendly.”

Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, “You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you.” Good relationships are not about competing and conversation doesn’t make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner requires making a loser and turns the attention to the score instead of the topic.

So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the “it” instead of the “you” method.

Next time: Bad habits and rules about punishment.

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