Tantrums

A mother wrote to me this week and said:
My son, who will be four next month, is frequently defiant and has temper tantrums that last at least 20 minutes where he is inconsolablr and destructive. I've use all the methods. Help! This is the most common complaint I hear. I usually answer with three ideas...

I am following this note with three recent newspaper columns that might help with the tantrum problem, probably more answer than you wanted.
Since you have tried many suggestions, in addition to your reactions discussed in the first column, I have added two additional columns about allergies and other diet problems that can be part of the tantruming problem.

Please read these when you have time. And please write again and tell me your reactions.

Rog McIntire

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Dealing with Kids' Tantrums

Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.

Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Allergy Symptoms
More than 3 million children under age 18 had allergic reactions to foods in the last year. That is an increase of 18 percent in the last 10 years, says the National Center for Health Statistics.
Nine percent of children in the United States are diagnosed with hay fever. An estimated 20 to 40 percent (15 million) children have undiagnosed hay fever allergies. The most common symptoms of all of these allergies are nasal congestion, itchy nose, runny nose, sneezing and red, itchy, watery eyes.
Can allergies cause behavioral symptoms? Yes, but the cause may not be direct. Of course a child, irritated by his allergies, is likely to show hyperactivity, aggression, irritability, depression and social anxieties more easily than a non-allergic child. The link often comes from trouble sleeping due to congestion. Tantrums, whining, crying, and even headaches and depression may come from the previous night’s troubled sleep or digestive upset (belching, constipation, gagging, nausea, gas).
Dr. Doris Rapp’s book, Is This Your Child? Discovering and Treating Unrecognized Allergies in Children and Adults, describes ways to identify allergens. Her list of most likely causes includes artificial colorings, preservatives, sugar, milk, corn, cocoa, wheat, grains, eggs and many more.
How can you discover these? Dr. Rapp described Robert, a four-year-old disturbed by hyperactivity and aggression. His day usually started well but then deteriorated into kicking, spitting and refusing to wear clothes. He had a “spacey look” with dark circles under his eyes (often called “allergy eyes”). As the day wore on he became progressively more and more difficult.
His mother wondered if the foods he ate early in the day could be part of his problem. Under a doctor’s care, she began the Multiple Food Elimination Diet, which is very bland and eliminates a long list of possible culprits. Within a few days Robert was unusually calm and consistent all day. When foods were added back to his diet one at a time, Mom found specific answers. Within minutes after eating wheat bread he was attacking his dog, babbling and spitting. Milk produced similar reactions.
The allowed and forbidden foods are identified at the beginning of the Multiple Food Elimination Diet. If you already suspect a particular food, it might be best to try removing that item for a week or two. If more effort is needed, Dr. Rapp’s book gives details on how to proceed.
The Feingold Diet is presented in Jane Hersey’s book, Why Can’t My Child Behave? The Feingold Diet Updated for Today’s Busy Families.” This diet does not test for allergies but eliminates food colorings, specific preservatives and foods that contain salicylates which are found naturally as well as in aspirin. When Dr. Benjamin Feingold treated a woman with a severe case of hives, he removed salicylates from her diet and her hives cleared up. Her behavior also changed from belligerent to normal and Dr. Feingold created his popular diet.
Allergens are often in the foods that the child craves and eats most often. Check with your doctor before beginning any diet that might improve your child’s behavior.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through CCBS or www.ParentSuccess.com.

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

What’s Got Into You?
Editor’s note: This is the last in a series of three about emotional outbursts.
Not all emotional problems are the fault of the perpetrator. Many adults have come to recognize occasional emotional irritations from coffee or the lack of it, certain foods, medications, delay of meals, alcohol abuse, or even missing water for too long.
Children hardly ever get the connection between these sources and their blues, grumps or irritableness. Even parents may need records of moods and diet to see that some mood swings are related to certain foods.
Allergies don’t always show up as dramatic events such as hives or stomach aches. Allergies and food intolerances can come out as behavioral irritations. Even serious problems such as bipolar disorders or ADHD can be aggravated by allergies and sensitivities to foods.
Since the behavioral problems are usually a part of family interactions, what causes what is difficult to sort out. Keeping a record of your child’s behavior and the foods he eats can be an inconvenient task for parents who already have a full schedule.
Most doctors won’t ask you to keep records, but the information can be very useful whether or not a medication is required.
A good way to start is with the most likely culprits: caffeine, sugar, chocolate, eggs, and milk products. Draw up a chart with the days marked down the side and hours across the top. Tape it on the refrigerator.
Record each occasion of the possible culprits and record your rating of your child’s behavior in the hours that follow—1 for no difficulties, 2 for just a slight problem, 3 for getting mad about something trivial, 4 for a big confrontation, 5 for a full, losing-it tantrum. Record everything he eats at all snacks and meals. Often you may find an allergy with no physical symptom. No hives, no itchy eyes or stomach aches, just irritation, prickliness and an occasional tantrum.
Most of the disturbing foods can also disrupt sleep and poor sleeping habits will cause additional behavioral problems. Even timing and quantity of food can disturb sleep and create bad behavior the next day. Overweight children and children who snack too late in the evening can have trouble sleeping.
Since most behavior is partly controlled by what happens before and after, I also ask parents to include a column on the record for what happens just before and then just after the problem. Two hours of TV right before the melt-down or an entertaining argument with Mom every time our little terror delays his homework can indicate an answer that can help as much as any pill.
Medications can be life savers for parents suffering with a severely disturbed child. Drug companies have a right to be proud of the help they provide. But it is not right to belittle environmental effects just because medication can reduce the symptom. Even in severe cases, there are multiple causes and a long-term answer will require that parents discover and deal with these social and environmental causes.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through CCBS or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.