Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
What Will Make You Happy?
Our teens are forever following the latest news about their celebrities and their millions. It's easy to conclude that success and money would surely lead to lifelong happiness. But as the later biographies come rolling out we learn success and money just didn't do it.
The great and near great often trip over their own egos on their way to the good life or they dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.
Every child has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.
"Mom, If I could just have to have that toy! It was on TV, everybody's got one."
Even parents of teenagers will recognize this routine. There's just one more thing and then...there's just one more thing.
The routine changes as the kids grow up. First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. Even us adults believe at times that if we could win the lottery everything would be fine.
I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this "Money and Things Could Make Me Happy" stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with the celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy."
But, alas, even when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along he or she usually comes up short on making us completely happy—probably because as both parties enter this new relationship, they bring ourselves along.
So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. The control, in the end, belongs only to you. And it's not the destination that brings happiness, it's how you handle the trip. Every day we each re-create our focus? What priority do you give to things, people, and your own inner peace, today?
I suppose, we all dwell in all three stages from time to time. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol for stage two but remain well attached to the toys and money view of stage one and need lots of guidance. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if an example is set before them.
Here's where parents, grandparents, and other adults is the family come into the happiness quest. If the important members of the family say, "If I only had more money, more stuff, I would be happy," then the kids are likely to end up with the same hopeless opinion.
To help your son or daughter reach a deeper sense of happiness, you have to admire yourself occasionally, and you also need to admire your child now and then. "You know, I'm kind of proud of the way the garden turned out this year." And for your child, "I heard the way you helped your friend Lisa when she was feeling down. You are a good friend."
A parent-child conversation that takes inventory of a child's successes and strengths can help with the do-it-yourself job of happiness. "What a talent you have for understanding these computers. Your mom and I need you around just to keep us out of trouble!"
Adults know that a garden activity, a compliment, or just a reflection about a person's own good character, can move that person away from depression and toward happiness. Teenagers need to realize that too, but often have yet to learn that instead of a ski trip or more shopping, the activity can be gardening or helping a friend.
Happiness is not achieved by acquiring stuff, or even the right companion. It comes from satisfaction with yourself and what you are doing. Parents can help their children with this growth by reminding them of their good points and moments.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 16
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Computer Companions
Even our grandparents were concerned about the effect of the media on their children whether it was the radio or the movies. Violence, shallow values, simplistic answers to life's questions, and relationships too sexual and too oriented to looks and popularity seemed to have been prevalent even back then. By 1950, TV was developing fast and the concerns were intensified.
Now the kids have computers for companions and the parents vs the media struggle has escalated. As we already know from the movies and TV, media can take a lot of time away from the family. Even when family time gets its turn, it can seem tame after hours of exciting computer games and TV programs with problems and solutions every 27 minutes.
Like the TV challenge to parental influence, computer companions subtract from exercise and real experience with social skills, friends, and life's stresses. As a source of information, the computer companion can become more credible than parents or teachers! And your child's computer companion can slip in a lot of information unobserved by parents because computers are usually more isolated from family traffic than TV's and therefore less supervised.
Here's another place where parents need to set limits on how much and what kind of programs (TV or computer) their children watch and use. Put violence off limits and make it a habit to look over your son or daughter's shoulder frequently. "What are you watching?" is still a legitimate question for parents even if the screen is a monitor and not a TV.
Parents may be tempted to use VCR's, TV's, and computer companions to keep the children busy. While computer companions are not necessarily bad babysitters, their best role is as a basis for family discussions to be sure sons and daughters come away with a realistic view of the programs.
Children are often disappointed that the real world doesn't measure up to the excitement of TV and computer games. Adults, on the other hand, are often disappointed that the games and the TV don't measure up to the real world where success requires work, relationships require respect, and risky behaviors produce logical consequences. So the subjects can provide a lot of opportunity for discussion of character-building values. Since the media programs also provide a potential for disagreement, parents need to keep the discussion pleasant and avoid making the conversation into a competitive sport.
Projects and crafts that have concrete results are good competition for the computer companion and are much more likely to attract attention, admiration, and strengthen a child's or teen's value of his own usefulness. It will be his value of himself - not his computer companion - gained from his discussions with you and his own successes that will protect him when he is tempted by those dangerous teenage behaviors.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Computer Companions
Even our grandparents were concerned about the effect of the media on their children whether it was the radio or the movies. Violence, shallow values, simplistic answers to life's questions, and relationships too sexual and too oriented to looks and popularity seemed to have been prevalent even back then. By 1950, TV was developing fast and the concerns were intensified.
Now the kids have computers for companions and the parents vs the media struggle has escalated. As we already know from the movies and TV, media can take a lot of time away from the family. Even when family time gets its turn, it can seem tame after hours of exciting computer games and TV programs with problems and solutions every 27 minutes.
Like the TV challenge to parental influence, computer companions subtract from exercise and real experience with social skills, friends, and life's stresses. As a source of information, the computer companion can become more credible than parents or teachers! And your child's computer companion can slip in a lot of information unobserved by parents because computers are usually more isolated from family traffic than TV's and therefore less supervised.
Here's another place where parents need to set limits on how much and what kind of programs (TV or computer) their children watch and use. Put violence off limits and make it a habit to look over your son or daughter's shoulder frequently. "What are you watching?" is still a legitimate question for parents even if the screen is a monitor and not a TV.
Parents may be tempted to use VCR's, TV's, and computer companions to keep the children busy. While computer companions are not necessarily bad babysitters, their best role is as a basis for family discussions to be sure sons and daughters come away with a realistic view of the programs.
Children are often disappointed that the real world doesn't measure up to the excitement of TV and computer games. Adults, on the other hand, are often disappointed that the games and the TV don't measure up to the real world where success requires work, relationships require respect, and risky behaviors produce logical consequences. So the subjects can provide a lot of opportunity for discussion of character-building values. Since the media programs also provide a potential for disagreement, parents need to keep the discussion pleasant and avoid making the conversation into a competitive sport.
Projects and crafts that have concrete results are good competition for the computer companion and are much more likely to attract attention, admiration, and strengthen a child's or teen's value of his own usefulness. It will be his value of himself - not his computer companion - gained from his discussions with you and his own successes that will protect him when he is tempted by those dangerous teenage behaviors.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 14
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Mind Your Model
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.
Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?
Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"
Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.
Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!
Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Mind Your Model
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.
Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?
Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"
Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.
Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!
Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.
Raising Good Keds in Tough Times - 12
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
School, Friends, and the Ten Commandments: A Parent's Role
A judge asked a teen in court for mugging, "Didn't your parents teach you about respect for others, about principles and character?" The teen said, "Character? I don't think the subject ever came up!"
It's a surprising answer, but character can be an uncomfortable subject as the discussion leads from lying and stealing to dangerous and degrading sexual activities. Many parents find it easier to let others do the explaining and the preaching. But even these parents will do most of their teaching by their model. They are always on stage; their views, attitudes, and disposition are the ones most likely copied—even by the teenager who says he will never be like his parents. Imitation is still the most common human behavior.
Whatever your views of the rights and legal wherefores concerning posting the commandments in schools, it's a good time to look for opportunities to talk over the values expressed in the commandments with your son or daughter. As a parent, you have the most influence. By your example, you teach your version of respect for others and the principles of character; the TV, movies, and even the posters in school rate a long second compared to parental influence.
In order for your children to explore their opinions and form their own view of good character, they need to tinker with many ideas. If every remark is criticized, if every conversation is treated as a tennis game where each return requires yet another return until someone wins, teens will harden their defensive style early, say less, think less, and the exploration stage will be short. These discussions should be open and free of personal attacks such as: Why would you think of that. That shows that you are to blame, wrong, or off-base.
Treating the ideas of character, values, and values of the spirit requires a moratorium on who wins or loses. Once the score card is started in a conversation, the tallies get more attention than the ideas.
Specifics in the area of character are hard to agree on. In the definition most of us would include honesty, reliability, respect and consideration of others. Some would add a sense of fairness, loyalty and citizenship, concern and cooperation with the community.
Of course the subject will have to come up in order for all of these topics to be discussed. Who will start it off? Who will provide time and attention to allow a child in these times to stop and consider the answers to questions of character? Most parents I know find that getting behind their child and pushing them toward a better character is not as effective as getting out in front of their child with their own model to imitate and providing a safe and comfortable situation to talk.
Since social development, attitude, choice of friends, relationships, and self-image are so dependent on how it goes at school, the example set by parental attitudes toward school, other students, and people in general will be important.
The advocates of posting the ten commandments fear that the reminders of values, principles, and character will be left out. So it's all the more important to mind your model and see that the subject of character does come up in discussion at home.
Next Tuesday: Siblings, Birth order, and Getting Along at home. Please send your comments and letters to the Journal.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
School, Friends, and the Ten Commandments: A Parent's Role
A judge asked a teen in court for mugging, "Didn't your parents teach you about respect for others, about principles and character?" The teen said, "Character? I don't think the subject ever came up!"
It's a surprising answer, but character can be an uncomfortable subject as the discussion leads from lying and stealing to dangerous and degrading sexual activities. Many parents find it easier to let others do the explaining and the preaching. But even these parents will do most of their teaching by their model. They are always on stage; their views, attitudes, and disposition are the ones most likely copied—even by the teenager who says he will never be like his parents. Imitation is still the most common human behavior.
Whatever your views of the rights and legal wherefores concerning posting the commandments in schools, it's a good time to look for opportunities to talk over the values expressed in the commandments with your son or daughter. As a parent, you have the most influence. By your example, you teach your version of respect for others and the principles of character; the TV, movies, and even the posters in school rate a long second compared to parental influence.
In order for your children to explore their opinions and form their own view of good character, they need to tinker with many ideas. If every remark is criticized, if every conversation is treated as a tennis game where each return requires yet another return until someone wins, teens will harden their defensive style early, say less, think less, and the exploration stage will be short. These discussions should be open and free of personal attacks such as: Why would you think of that. That shows that you are to blame, wrong, or off-base.
Treating the ideas of character, values, and values of the spirit requires a moratorium on who wins or loses. Once the score card is started in a conversation, the tallies get more attention than the ideas.
Specifics in the area of character are hard to agree on. In the definition most of us would include honesty, reliability, respect and consideration of others. Some would add a sense of fairness, loyalty and citizenship, concern and cooperation with the community.
Of course the subject will have to come up in order for all of these topics to be discussed. Who will start it off? Who will provide time and attention to allow a child in these times to stop and consider the answers to questions of character? Most parents I know find that getting behind their child and pushing them toward a better character is not as effective as getting out in front of their child with their own model to imitate and providing a safe and comfortable situation to talk.
Since social development, attitude, choice of friends, relationships, and self-image are so dependent on how it goes at school, the example set by parental attitudes toward school, other students, and people in general will be important.
The advocates of posting the ten commandments fear that the reminders of values, principles, and character will be left out. So it's all the more important to mind your model and see that the subject of character does come up in discussion at home.
Next Tuesday: Siblings, Birth order, and Getting Along at home. Please send your comments and letters to the Journal.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 7
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
College Success: How Parents Can Help
Amy called home every week when she started college. Her Mom would respond, "Oh, Amy, I hope you are well. We miss you so much. Little Pam keeps saying, 'When is Amy coming home?'"
Amy endured the weekly tugs on the guilt strings for six weeks, then she came to my office to do the paper work to drop out. Her short college career was partly due to Mom's unintentional focus on the negative.
Parents can help with college adjustment by keeping the calls up-beat, the pressure about jobs, money, and grades as low as possible.
Our surveys show that only 10% of college dropouts have grades too low. Working and living far from campus are the most outstanding differences between the successful college students and the dropouts, the surveys show. Most dropouts work too many hours at an outside job too far away.
Parents may be proud of sons and daughters who juggle busy schedules of jobs and school, but if the job takes over, the only parts of the college experience left to quit are the classes. Encourage your college-bound son or daughter to live and work close to the school environment and work only the necessary hours at an outside job.
Trouble selecting a major and a career is another large factor in the dropout statistics. Most state universities have 100 or more majors, but few first-time students can name 20! No wonder over 90% of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.
Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is to educate about the variety of life's opportunities.
Students are often tempted to put off the decision about a major by leaving college for "a year off." But if college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision. It's a long way from graduation to retirement!
Most colleges have career counselors who can be a great help if they are in on the early planning. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.
Habits, usually started at home, concerning health (sleeping, diet, and alcohol), and management of time and money, make up the other dangerous pitfalls in the college journey. College students are young enough to be one of the most healthy groups in our society, yet they have a poor health record. Parents of teens with a year or two of high school left can prepare their sons and daughters for the challenges of caring for themselves and their time and money.
The mail boxes of most college students will be filled with offers of sales and credit cards that soon require more payments that lead to more hours at work. Caution your college student to keep life simple with few obligations to make payments on cars, credit, and clothes.
Next week we will take up school, homework, and computers. Join us this Saturday, the 28th, at 1 pm for a discussion of these and other parent-related topics at Waldenbooks in the Martinsburg Mall.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes, Teenagers and Parents, and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
College Success: How Parents Can Help
Amy called home every week when she started college. Her Mom would respond, "Oh, Amy, I hope you are well. We miss you so much. Little Pam keeps saying, 'When is Amy coming home?'"
Amy endured the weekly tugs on the guilt strings for six weeks, then she came to my office to do the paper work to drop out. Her short college career was partly due to Mom's unintentional focus on the negative.
Parents can help with college adjustment by keeping the calls up-beat, the pressure about jobs, money, and grades as low as possible.
Our surveys show that only 10% of college dropouts have grades too low. Working and living far from campus are the most outstanding differences between the successful college students and the dropouts, the surveys show. Most dropouts work too many hours at an outside job too far away.
Parents may be proud of sons and daughters who juggle busy schedules of jobs and school, but if the job takes over, the only parts of the college experience left to quit are the classes. Encourage your college-bound son or daughter to live and work close to the school environment and work only the necessary hours at an outside job.
Trouble selecting a major and a career is another large factor in the dropout statistics. Most state universities have 100 or more majors, but few first-time students can name 20! No wonder over 90% of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.
Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is to educate about the variety of life's opportunities.
Students are often tempted to put off the decision about a major by leaving college for "a year off." But if college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision. It's a long way from graduation to retirement!
Most colleges have career counselors who can be a great help if they are in on the early planning. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.
Habits, usually started at home, concerning health (sleeping, diet, and alcohol), and management of time and money, make up the other dangerous pitfalls in the college journey. College students are young enough to be one of the most healthy groups in our society, yet they have a poor health record. Parents of teens with a year or two of high school left can prepare their sons and daughters for the challenges of caring for themselves and their time and money.
The mail boxes of most college students will be filled with offers of sales and credit cards that soon require more payments that lead to more hours at work. Caution your college student to keep life simple with few obligations to make payments on cars, credit, and clothes.
Next week we will take up school, homework, and computers. Join us this Saturday, the 28th, at 1 pm for a discussion of these and other parent-related topics at Waldenbooks in the Martinsburg Mall.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes, Teenagers and Parents, and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 6
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
College Success: How Parents Can Help
Amy called home every week when she started college. Her Mom would respond, "Oh, Amy, I hope you are well. We miss you so much. Little Pam keeps saying, 'When is Amy coming home?'"
Amy endured the weekly tugs on the guilt strings for six weeks, then she came to my office to do the paper work to drop out. Her short college career was partly due to Mom's unintentional focus on the negative.
Parents can help with college adjustment by keeping the calls up-beat, the pressure about jobs, money, and grades as low as possible.
Our surveys show that only 10% of college dropouts have grades too low. Working and living far from campus are the most outstanding differences between the successful college students and the dropouts, the surveys show. Most dropouts work too many hours at an outside job too far away.
Parents may be proud of sons and daughters who juggle busy schedules of jobs and school, but if the job takes over, the only parts of the college experience left to quit are the classes. Encourage your college-bound son or daughter to live and work close to the school environment and work only the necessary hours at an outside job.
Trouble selecting a major and a career is another large factor in the dropout statistics. Most state universities have 100 or more majors, but few first-time students can name 20! No wonder over 90% of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.
Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is to educate about the variety of life's opportunities.
Students are often tempted to put off the decision about a major by leaving college for "a year off." But if college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision. It's a long way from graduation to retirement!
Most colleges have career counselors who can be a great help if they are in on the early planning. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.
Habits, usually started at home, concerning health (sleeping, diet, and alcohol), and management of time and money, make up the other dangerous pitfalls in the college journey. College students are young enough to be one of the most healthy groups in our society, yet they have a poor health record. Parents of teens with a year or two of high school left can prepare their sons and daughters for the challenges of caring for themselves and their time and money.
The mail boxes of most college students will be filled with offers of sales and credit cards that soon require more payments that lead to more hours at work. Caution your college student to keep life simple with few obligations to make payments on cars, credit, and clothes.
Next week we will take up school, homework, and computers. Join us this Saturday, the 28th, at 1 pm for a discussion of these and other parent-related topics at Waldenbooks in the Martinsburg Mall.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes, Teenagers and Parents, and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
College Success: How Parents Can Help
Amy called home every week when she started college. Her Mom would respond, "Oh, Amy, I hope you are well. We miss you so much. Little Pam keeps saying, 'When is Amy coming home?'"
Amy endured the weekly tugs on the guilt strings for six weeks, then she came to my office to do the paper work to drop out. Her short college career was partly due to Mom's unintentional focus on the negative.
Parents can help with college adjustment by keeping the calls up-beat, the pressure about jobs, money, and grades as low as possible.
Our surveys show that only 10% of college dropouts have grades too low. Working and living far from campus are the most outstanding differences between the successful college students and the dropouts, the surveys show. Most dropouts work too many hours at an outside job too far away.
Parents may be proud of sons and daughters who juggle busy schedules of jobs and school, but if the job takes over, the only parts of the college experience left to quit are the classes. Encourage your college-bound son or daughter to live and work close to the school environment and work only the necessary hours at an outside job.
Trouble selecting a major and a career is another large factor in the dropout statistics. Most state universities have 100 or more majors, but few first-time students can name 20! No wonder over 90% of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.
Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is to educate about the variety of life's opportunities.
Students are often tempted to put off the decision about a major by leaving college for "a year off." But if college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision. It's a long way from graduation to retirement!
Most colleges have career counselors who can be a great help if they are in on the early planning. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.
Habits, usually started at home, concerning health (sleeping, diet, and alcohol), and management of time and money, make up the other dangerous pitfalls in the college journey. College students are young enough to be one of the most healthy groups in our society, yet they have a poor health record. Parents of teens with a year or two of high school left can prepare their sons and daughters for the challenges of caring for themselves and their time and money.
The mail boxes of most college students will be filled with offers of sales and credit cards that soon require more payments that lead to more hours at work. Caution your college student to keep life simple with few obligations to make payments on cars, credit, and clothes.
Next week we will take up school, homework, and computers. Join us this Saturday, the 28th, at 1 pm for a discussion of these and other parent-related topics at Waldenbooks in the Martinsburg Mall.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes, Teenagers and Parents, and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 5
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Friday, June 6, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough TImes - 4
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Punishing Children Properly
What's a parent to do when the children misbehave? Physical punishment like spanking and slapping is only an option if the person is small enough. As the child gets older and bigger, parents who spank their children have to look for alternatives and by then the disadvantages have accumulated - the worst being that the child imitates the parent!
"Get Tough" advocates are on the wrong track for several reasons. First, a child faced with physical punishment becomes afraid. Learning slows and creativity stops because it's too risky to stick your creative neck out if your mistakes will be punished!
Second, the hard-line approach will be, must be, inconsistent. A parent cannot, and should not, be consistent with punishment. Without the inconsistencies of warnings, threats and postponements, the rules are too inhuman. Yet with the "verbal decorations" the game and the power struggle begin.
Third, punishment is, of course, insulting. It belittles the child and lowers his value of himself. That's why adults are so insulted if you try punishment on them! The child defends himself, attempts to escape, or tries to "win" the game. Parents can "win" the power struggle, but for every winner a loser is made! And losers eventually call in absent.
Other side effects may include anxious nail-biting, hair-twirling, and distractions that allow children to ignore parents such as video games and TV.
The adult alternatives are much better. For example, if you come to my house for dinner tonight and spill your drink at the table, you don't expect me to say: "Hey! What do you think you're doing? You're so clumsy! Now pay attention to what you're doing or I'll send you home!"
What nerve! Treating a guest like a child! What happened to "making amends?" "The benefit of the doubt?" You expect me to belittle the problem.
"I'm sorry, do you have a towel?"
"No problem, I'll take care of it..."
We deal with the mistake together as a third thing, not you, not me.
Ignoring is also an adult strategy, but it has to be used carefully. If a parent plans to ignore the bad behavior, the usual amount of acting up will no longer get the attention the child seeks, and he may escalate the volume! Parents may revert to punishment for this higher level and then return to the ignoring rule only to go back to punishment when the volume again reaches pain threshold.
We all know families where this power struggle is out of hand. To make the ignoring plan work, you need to emphasize the positive, giving praise when your child behaves well. Considering all the possible mistakes, a child isn't much closer to good behavior by just being told, "Wrong!"
When bad behavior can't be ignored, and making amends and hoping for opportunities for encouragement are not enough, try a time out. Most parents are familiar with the drill of putting the child on a chair or in his/her room for a little cooling off and isolation. This can work well if the time out is short so that threats, arguments, and other verbal decorations that often precede it can be kept to a minimum.
Many parents have found the act of starting the time-out, putting the child in the chair or room, is the effective part. Ten or 15 seconds is enough for two-year-olds, and one minute is enough for four, five, and six-year-olds. The message was sent when the prompt decision was made and we are more likely to act promptly and consistently when our consequence is moderate.
The best parental strategy will include praising the good behavior, ignoring the tolerable, and reacting with logical, mild, and consistent reprimands to the bad.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Punishing Children Properly
What's a parent to do when the children misbehave? Physical punishment like spanking and slapping is only an option if the person is small enough. As the child gets older and bigger, parents who spank their children have to look for alternatives and by then the disadvantages have accumulated - the worst being that the child imitates the parent!
"Get Tough" advocates are on the wrong track for several reasons. First, a child faced with physical punishment becomes afraid. Learning slows and creativity stops because it's too risky to stick your creative neck out if your mistakes will be punished!
Second, the hard-line approach will be, must be, inconsistent. A parent cannot, and should not, be consistent with punishment. Without the inconsistencies of warnings, threats and postponements, the rules are too inhuman. Yet with the "verbal decorations" the game and the power struggle begin.
Third, punishment is, of course, insulting. It belittles the child and lowers his value of himself. That's why adults are so insulted if you try punishment on them! The child defends himself, attempts to escape, or tries to "win" the game. Parents can "win" the power struggle, but for every winner a loser is made! And losers eventually call in absent.
Other side effects may include anxious nail-biting, hair-twirling, and distractions that allow children to ignore parents such as video games and TV.
The adult alternatives are much better. For example, if you come to my house for dinner tonight and spill your drink at the table, you don't expect me to say: "Hey! What do you think you're doing? You're so clumsy! Now pay attention to what you're doing or I'll send you home!"
What nerve! Treating a guest like a child! What happened to "making amends?" "The benefit of the doubt?" You expect me to belittle the problem.
"I'm sorry, do you have a towel?"
"No problem, I'll take care of it..."
We deal with the mistake together as a third thing, not you, not me.
Ignoring is also an adult strategy, but it has to be used carefully. If a parent plans to ignore the bad behavior, the usual amount of acting up will no longer get the attention the child seeks, and he may escalate the volume! Parents may revert to punishment for this higher level and then return to the ignoring rule only to go back to punishment when the volume again reaches pain threshold.
We all know families where this power struggle is out of hand. To make the ignoring plan work, you need to emphasize the positive, giving praise when your child behaves well. Considering all the possible mistakes, a child isn't much closer to good behavior by just being told, "Wrong!"
When bad behavior can't be ignored, and making amends and hoping for opportunities for encouragement are not enough, try a time out. Most parents are familiar with the drill of putting the child on a chair or in his/her room for a little cooling off and isolation. This can work well if the time out is short so that threats, arguments, and other verbal decorations that often precede it can be kept to a minimum.
Many parents have found the act of starting the time-out, putting the child in the chair or room, is the effective part. Ten or 15 seconds is enough for two-year-olds, and one minute is enough for four, five, and six-year-olds. The message was sent when the prompt decision was made and we are more likely to act promptly and consistently when our consequence is moderate.
The best parental strategy will include praising the good behavior, ignoring the tolerable, and reacting with logical, mild, and consistent reprimands to the bad.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 3
Raising Goods Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
"Mom (Dad), can we talk?" signals the most important question in child-rearing. A right answer here and the rest of the day will be easier. Children are not always straightforward with this crucial question but they are always knocking at the window of your attention.
It's not easy to turn off the TV or interrupt your work when you hear, "Can we talk?" but your full attention is important.
At the beginning, your attitude is signaled by your physical reaction. Remember that difficult teacher who would never look at you when you had a question? She or he may also have faced away so that your attention lagged and your confidence drained away. The listening habit requires facing up to your conversational partner, not "in their face" but looking at them and showing that you are paying attention.
The next part of listening requires an understanding of a fundamental difference between parent and children in conversation. Children and teens, first of all, want to know, "What does this conversation say about ME?" We parents thought the subject was the most important part! So parents need to put the blames, faults, and "quick-fixes" on hold while protecting a son or daughter's always-fragile self-confidence. It's a risky moment for a child because of his vulnerability and possible embarrassment. Instead of saying, "You should be more..." and "Don't be so..." keep the conversation open by saying, "What did they say after that..." and "Then what happened?"
Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, "You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you." The child becomes defensive possibly before their real topic has even surfaced. So avoiding the personal criticism by getting into the "It" instead of the "You" habit leaves time for your child to bring up his real topic at his own pace.
Conversation does not make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner or make a loser only turns the attention to the score instead of the topic. This is not a tennis game where every ball must be returned and every mistake noted and corrected. Without the competitive atmosphere, parents can set a less frantic pace.
So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the "it" instead of the "you" method. Often when a child says, "You just don't understand!" they really mean, "You're blaming me as a person; I want to start with something else." Good listening allows information to flow to you; poor listening only produces a game with a final score. That's why the first requirement of tolerance and acceptance is needed in the earliest years and in the earliest part of each conversation.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
"Mom (Dad), can we talk?" signals the most important question in child-rearing. A right answer here and the rest of the day will be easier. Children are not always straightforward with this crucial question but they are always knocking at the window of your attention.
It's not easy to turn off the TV or interrupt your work when you hear, "Can we talk?" but your full attention is important.
At the beginning, your attitude is signaled by your physical reaction. Remember that difficult teacher who would never look at you when you had a question? She or he may also have faced away so that your attention lagged and your confidence drained away. The listening habit requires facing up to your conversational partner, not "in their face" but looking at them and showing that you are paying attention.
The next part of listening requires an understanding of a fundamental difference between parent and children in conversation. Children and teens, first of all, want to know, "What does this conversation say about ME?" We parents thought the subject was the most important part! So parents need to put the blames, faults, and "quick-fixes" on hold while protecting a son or daughter's always-fragile self-confidence. It's a risky moment for a child because of his vulnerability and possible embarrassment. Instead of saying, "You should be more..." and "Don't be so..." keep the conversation open by saying, "What did they say after that..." and "Then what happened?"
Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, "You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you." The child becomes defensive possibly before their real topic has even surfaced. So avoiding the personal criticism by getting into the "It" instead of the "You" habit leaves time for your child to bring up his real topic at his own pace.
Conversation does not make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner or make a loser only turns the attention to the score instead of the topic. This is not a tennis game where every ball must be returned and every mistake noted and corrected. Without the competitive atmosphere, parents can set a less frantic pace.
So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the "it" instead of the "you" method. Often when a child says, "You just don't understand!" they really mean, "You're blaming me as a person; I want to start with something else." Good listening allows information to flow to you; poor listening only produces a game with a final score. That's why the first requirement of tolerance and acceptance is needed in the earliest years and in the earliest part of each conversation.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Raising Good Teens in Tough Times - 2
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Rasing Good Kids in Tough Times - 1
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Dealing with Kids' Tantrums
Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Dealing with Kids' Tantrums
Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
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