"Parent Games"

One grandparent wrote that her 6-year-old granddaughter was throwing tantrums and using "funny strategies" to get what she wanted.

I answered: "I am following this note with a recent newspaper column of mine that might help (probably more answer than you wanted). You might think these are off the mark because it concerns games she has not yet learned, "Parent Games." These family moments are likely to produce tantrums in the future if your granddaughter still believes she must win. So for now I would pick games carefully where there are no winners. Of course, it is the losing that bothers her which makes me think she needs a lot of winning compliments outside of games. "It is easier to love kids than to like them," one client of mine said."
The column "Raising Good Kids in Tough Times" was...

The Games of Youth
As children grow, their priorities change. A shy three-year-old's concern for being near Mommy becomes less later on as independence develops. A six-year-old's concern with pleasing his teacher is complicated later on by a concern to be properly "cool" with friends.
Game 1: "Testing, testing, are you still my friend?"
"Those teachers are so out of it. They said we can't wear our earrings in school."
"No earrings?" Mom doesn't immediately join the opposition with, "They're right," and she doesn't say they are wrong until the whole story is told. Often teen announcements are long on impact but short on details.
"Well, no dangling ones. Can they do that?"
Mom is once again put to the test. Is she for her daughter or against her? Her ex-three-year-old wants to be near Mom but also wants independence. The trick here is to accommodate old basic companionship needs without embarrassing a growing would-be independent teenager.
"I guess they're worried the dangling ones will get caught on something or somebody."
"That could happen anywhere. You're just taking their side." Testing Mom is not always the first intention of these complaints but it often creeps into the conversation later on.
Now Mom could say that's why earrings are bad and that's why she didn't want her to get her ears pierced in the first place, and the school has a responsibility. All good points; all heard before; and all feeding into the accusation: "You always take their side (you're not my friend)."
So to avoid the sticky problems of being both parent and friend and to answer the "Can they do that?" question, Mom just says, "I guess so" and stops without feeding the argument.
The earrings at school problem is one of many games where parents will be tempted to play the opposition. Sometimes that will be necessary. But when you know the outcome will be on target, why spend your social points by rubbing it in?
Game 2: "Referees are Fun" is a common game among siblings:
"Mom! Mark won't let me watch my program!"
"Mark, let your brother alone, Steven gets to watch his program now."
"It's a dumb program, and we can see the last of it later, I'm turning it to my show!"
"Mom, Mark changed the channel."
"Mark, you come out here and help me and leave Steven alone!"
"Mark pushed me!"
"You two cut that out! Mark get out here right now! If I have to come in there..."
In this game, Mom is referee - the third party the kids go to for judgment calls, penalties, and control of the game. It provides attention and some entertainment.
Most referees are also tempted to coach: "Mark, why don't you let Steven watch his program and then you can watch yours, and tomorrow at this time you will get to choose."
Coaching is usually a more comfortable role for a parent. The resolution here can't be perfect, but the goal is to get Mom out of the referee role. The brothers can stop the game, become independent and fix the problem whenever they want to.
Game 3: "My problem is your problem" is a common children's game that will develop later in teenage years into "It's your fault because you're my parent(s)." As with many of these games, frankly stating the fair truth may stop the game and allow some real progress.
"This homework is due tomorrow!"
"Well, you'd better get at it."
"Where's some paper?"
"In the desk."
"I already looked there."
"Why don't you try upstairs?"
"Mom! It's supposed to be down here! Could you go look?"
"Hold it, Andy, your homework is your responsibility, don't make it my problem."
Many readers have told me of other games: "Yes, but..," "I gotcha!" "If you really loved me, you would...," and "I'll bet you can't make me happy" - all played partly for parental attention and partly to gradually cross over from parental protection to later independence.
Good parental listening skills are important in handling these games. When the conversation starts, look at your son or daughter rather than a TV screen or newspaper. Don't give the impression that you will miss what's really going on. This will let your child know that you're not likely to be fooled by any game.
Feeding back what your child just said is a good habit during these conversations. Let him know that you heard what he said by repeating it. Avoid suggesting solutions. They only lead to "make-me-happy" or "my-problem-is-yours." Also, suggesting solutions makes you sound superior and tempts your child to counter with another complaint just to stay even.
Independence is not only gradual, it is also scary. Kids like to test the waters and yet be able to retreat to the security of early childhood. Sometimes assertive, sometimes childish sons and daughters are the norm. The games are a normal way to learn and practice how far they have come and how far they have to go.