Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Punishing Children Properly
What's a parent to do when the children misbehave? Physical punishment like spanking and slapping is only an option if the person is small enough. As the child gets older and bigger, parents who spank their children have to look for alternatives and by then the disadvantages have accumulated - the worst being that the child imitates the parent!
"Get Tough" advocates are on the wrong track for several reasons. First, a child faced with physical punishment becomes afraid. Learning slows and creativity stops because it's too risky to stick your creative neck out if your mistakes will be punished!
Second, the hard-line approach will be, must be, inconsistent. A parent cannot, and should not, be consistent with punishment. Without the inconsistencies of warnings, threats and postponements, the rules are too inhuman. Yet with the "verbal decorations" the game and the power struggle begin.
Third, punishment is, of course, insulting. It belittles the child and lowers his value of himself. That's why adults are so insulted if you try punishment on them! The child defends himself, attempts to escape, or tries to "win" the game. Parents can "win" the power struggle, but for every winner a loser is made! And losers eventually call in absent.
Other side effects may include anxious nail-biting, hair-twirling, and distractions that allow children to ignore parents such as video games and TV.
The adult alternatives are much better. For example, if you come to my house for dinner tonight and spill your drink at the table, you don't expect me to say: "Hey! What do you think you're doing? You're so clumsy! Now pay attention to what you're doing or I'll send you home!"
What nerve! Treating a guest like a child! What happened to "making amends?" "The benefit of the doubt?" You expect me to belittle the problem.
"I'm sorry, do you have a towel?"
"No problem, I'll take care of it..."
We deal with the mistake together as a third thing, not you, not me.
Ignoring is also an adult strategy, but it has to be used carefully. If a parent plans to ignore the bad behavior, the usual amount of acting up will no longer get the attention the child seeks, and he may escalate the volume! Parents may revert to punishment for this higher level and then return to the ignoring rule only to go back to punishment when the volume again reaches pain threshold.
We all know families where this power struggle is out of hand. To make the ignoring plan work, you need to emphasize the positive, giving praise when your child behaves well. Considering all the possible mistakes, a child isn't much closer to good behavior by just being told, "Wrong!"
When bad behavior can't be ignored, and making amends and hoping for opportunities for encouragement are not enough, try a time out. Most parents are familiar with the drill of putting the child on a chair or in his/her room for a little cooling off and isolation. This can work well if the time out is short so that threats, arguments, and other verbal decorations that often precede it can be kept to a minimum.
Many parents have found the act of starting the time-out, putting the child in the chair or room, is the effective part. Ten or 15 seconds is enough for two-year-olds, and one minute is enough for four, five, and six-year-olds. The message was sent when the prompt decision was made and we are more likely to act promptly and consistently when our consequence is moderate.
The best parental strategy will include praising the good behavior, ignoring the tolerable, and reacting with logical, mild, and consistent reprimands to the bad.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Friday, June 6, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 3
Raising Goods Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
"Mom (Dad), can we talk?" signals the most important question in child-rearing. A right answer here and the rest of the day will be easier. Children are not always straightforward with this crucial question but they are always knocking at the window of your attention.
It's not easy to turn off the TV or interrupt your work when you hear, "Can we talk?" but your full attention is important.
At the beginning, your attitude is signaled by your physical reaction. Remember that difficult teacher who would never look at you when you had a question? She or he may also have faced away so that your attention lagged and your confidence drained away. The listening habit requires facing up to your conversational partner, not "in their face" but looking at them and showing that you are paying attention.
The next part of listening requires an understanding of a fundamental difference between parent and children in conversation. Children and teens, first of all, want to know, "What does this conversation say about ME?" We parents thought the subject was the most important part! So parents need to put the blames, faults, and "quick-fixes" on hold while protecting a son or daughter's always-fragile self-confidence. It's a risky moment for a child because of his vulnerability and possible embarrassment. Instead of saying, "You should be more..." and "Don't be so..." keep the conversation open by saying, "What did they say after that..." and "Then what happened?"
Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, "You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you." The child becomes defensive possibly before their real topic has even surfaced. So avoiding the personal criticism by getting into the "It" instead of the "You" habit leaves time for your child to bring up his real topic at his own pace.
Conversation does not make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner or make a loser only turns the attention to the score instead of the topic. This is not a tennis game where every ball must be returned and every mistake noted and corrected. Without the competitive atmosphere, parents can set a less frantic pace.
So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the "it" instead of the "you" method. Often when a child says, "You just don't understand!" they really mean, "You're blaming me as a person; I want to start with something else." Good listening allows information to flow to you; poor listening only produces a game with a final score. That's why the first requirement of tolerance and acceptance is needed in the earliest years and in the earliest part of each conversation.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
"Mom (Dad), can we talk?" signals the most important question in child-rearing. A right answer here and the rest of the day will be easier. Children are not always straightforward with this crucial question but they are always knocking at the window of your attention.
It's not easy to turn off the TV or interrupt your work when you hear, "Can we talk?" but your full attention is important.
At the beginning, your attitude is signaled by your physical reaction. Remember that difficult teacher who would never look at you when you had a question? She or he may also have faced away so that your attention lagged and your confidence drained away. The listening habit requires facing up to your conversational partner, not "in their face" but looking at them and showing that you are paying attention.
The next part of listening requires an understanding of a fundamental difference between parent and children in conversation. Children and teens, first of all, want to know, "What does this conversation say about ME?" We parents thought the subject was the most important part! So parents need to put the blames, faults, and "quick-fixes" on hold while protecting a son or daughter's always-fragile self-confidence. It's a risky moment for a child because of his vulnerability and possible embarrassment. Instead of saying, "You should be more..." and "Don't be so..." keep the conversation open by saying, "What did they say after that..." and "Then what happened?"
Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, "You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you." The child becomes defensive possibly before their real topic has even surfaced. So avoiding the personal criticism by getting into the "It" instead of the "You" habit leaves time for your child to bring up his real topic at his own pace.
Conversation does not make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner or make a loser only turns the attention to the score instead of the topic. This is not a tennis game where every ball must be returned and every mistake noted and corrected. Without the competitive atmosphere, parents can set a less frantic pace.
So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the "it" instead of the "you" method. Often when a child says, "You just don't understand!" they really mean, "You're blaming me as a person; I want to start with something else." Good listening allows information to flow to you; poor listening only produces a game with a final score. That's why the first requirement of tolerance and acceptance is needed in the earliest years and in the earliest part of each conversation.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Raising Good Teens in Tough Times - 2
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Rasing Good Kids in Tough Times - 1
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Dealing with Kids' Tantrums
Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Dealing with Kids' Tantrums
Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
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