Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Computer Companions
Even our grandparents were concerned about the effect of the media on their children whether it was the radio or the movies. Violence, shallow values, simplistic answers to life's questions, and relationships too sexual and too oriented to looks and popularity seemed to have been prevalent even back then. By 1950, TV was developing fast and the concerns were intensified.
Now the kids have computers for companions and the parents vs the media struggle has escalated. As we already know from the movies and TV, media can take a lot of time away from the family. Even when family time gets its turn, it can seem tame after hours of exciting computer games and TV programs with problems and solutions every 27 minutes.
Like the TV challenge to parental influence, computer companions subtract from exercise and real experience with social skills, friends, and life's stresses. As a source of information, the computer companion can become more credible than parents or teachers! And your child's computer companion can slip in a lot of information unobserved by parents because computers are usually more isolated from family traffic than TV's and therefore less supervised.
Here's another place where parents need to set limits on how much and what kind of programs (TV or computer) their children watch and use. Put violence off limits and make it a habit to look over your son or daughter's shoulder frequently. "What are you watching?" is still a legitimate question for parents even if the screen is a monitor and not a TV.
Parents may be tempted to use VCR's, TV's, and computer companions to keep the children busy. While computer companions are not necessarily bad babysitters, their best role is as a basis for family discussions to be sure sons and daughters come away with a realistic view of the programs.
Children are often disappointed that the real world doesn't measure up to the excitement of TV and computer games. Adults, on the other hand, are often disappointed that the games and the TV don't measure up to the real world where success requires work, relationships require respect, and risky behaviors produce logical consequences. So the subjects can provide a lot of opportunity for discussion of character-building values. Since the media programs also provide a potential for disagreement, parents need to keep the discussion pleasant and avoid making the conversation into a competitive sport.
Projects and crafts that have concrete results are good competition for the computer companion and are much more likely to attract attention, admiration, and strengthen a child's or teen's value of his own usefulness. It will be his value of himself - not his computer companion - gained from his discussions with you and his own successes that will protect him when he is tempted by those dangerous teenage behaviors.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 14
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Mind Your Model
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.
Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?
Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"
Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.
Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!
Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Mind Your Model
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.
Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?
Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"
Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.
Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!
Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.
Raising Good Keds in Tough Times - 12
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
School, Friends, and the Ten Commandments: A Parent's Role
A judge asked a teen in court for mugging, "Didn't your parents teach you about respect for others, about principles and character?" The teen said, "Character? I don't think the subject ever came up!"
It's a surprising answer, but character can be an uncomfortable subject as the discussion leads from lying and stealing to dangerous and degrading sexual activities. Many parents find it easier to let others do the explaining and the preaching. But even these parents will do most of their teaching by their model. They are always on stage; their views, attitudes, and disposition are the ones most likely copied—even by the teenager who says he will never be like his parents. Imitation is still the most common human behavior.
Whatever your views of the rights and legal wherefores concerning posting the commandments in schools, it's a good time to look for opportunities to talk over the values expressed in the commandments with your son or daughter. As a parent, you have the most influence. By your example, you teach your version of respect for others and the principles of character; the TV, movies, and even the posters in school rate a long second compared to parental influence.
In order for your children to explore their opinions and form their own view of good character, they need to tinker with many ideas. If every remark is criticized, if every conversation is treated as a tennis game where each return requires yet another return until someone wins, teens will harden their defensive style early, say less, think less, and the exploration stage will be short. These discussions should be open and free of personal attacks such as: Why would you think of that. That shows that you are to blame, wrong, or off-base.
Treating the ideas of character, values, and values of the spirit requires a moratorium on who wins or loses. Once the score card is started in a conversation, the tallies get more attention than the ideas.
Specifics in the area of character are hard to agree on. In the definition most of us would include honesty, reliability, respect and consideration of others. Some would add a sense of fairness, loyalty and citizenship, concern and cooperation with the community.
Of course the subject will have to come up in order for all of these topics to be discussed. Who will start it off? Who will provide time and attention to allow a child in these times to stop and consider the answers to questions of character? Most parents I know find that getting behind their child and pushing them toward a better character is not as effective as getting out in front of their child with their own model to imitate and providing a safe and comfortable situation to talk.
Since social development, attitude, choice of friends, relationships, and self-image are so dependent on how it goes at school, the example set by parental attitudes toward school, other students, and people in general will be important.
The advocates of posting the ten commandments fear that the reminders of values, principles, and character will be left out. So it's all the more important to mind your model and see that the subject of character does come up in discussion at home.
Next Tuesday: Siblings, Birth order, and Getting Along at home. Please send your comments and letters to the Journal.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
School, Friends, and the Ten Commandments: A Parent's Role
A judge asked a teen in court for mugging, "Didn't your parents teach you about respect for others, about principles and character?" The teen said, "Character? I don't think the subject ever came up!"
It's a surprising answer, but character can be an uncomfortable subject as the discussion leads from lying and stealing to dangerous and degrading sexual activities. Many parents find it easier to let others do the explaining and the preaching. But even these parents will do most of their teaching by their model. They are always on stage; their views, attitudes, and disposition are the ones most likely copied—even by the teenager who says he will never be like his parents. Imitation is still the most common human behavior.
Whatever your views of the rights and legal wherefores concerning posting the commandments in schools, it's a good time to look for opportunities to talk over the values expressed in the commandments with your son or daughter. As a parent, you have the most influence. By your example, you teach your version of respect for others and the principles of character; the TV, movies, and even the posters in school rate a long second compared to parental influence.
In order for your children to explore their opinions and form their own view of good character, they need to tinker with many ideas. If every remark is criticized, if every conversation is treated as a tennis game where each return requires yet another return until someone wins, teens will harden their defensive style early, say less, think less, and the exploration stage will be short. These discussions should be open and free of personal attacks such as: Why would you think of that. That shows that you are to blame, wrong, or off-base.
Treating the ideas of character, values, and values of the spirit requires a moratorium on who wins or loses. Once the score card is started in a conversation, the tallies get more attention than the ideas.
Specifics in the area of character are hard to agree on. In the definition most of us would include honesty, reliability, respect and consideration of others. Some would add a sense of fairness, loyalty and citizenship, concern and cooperation with the community.
Of course the subject will have to come up in order for all of these topics to be discussed. Who will start it off? Who will provide time and attention to allow a child in these times to stop and consider the answers to questions of character? Most parents I know find that getting behind their child and pushing them toward a better character is not as effective as getting out in front of their child with their own model to imitate and providing a safe and comfortable situation to talk.
Since social development, attitude, choice of friends, relationships, and self-image are so dependent on how it goes at school, the example set by parental attitudes toward school, other students, and people in general will be important.
The advocates of posting the ten commandments fear that the reminders of values, principles, and character will be left out. So it's all the more important to mind your model and see that the subject of character does come up in discussion at home.
Next Tuesday: Siblings, Birth order, and Getting Along at home. Please send your comments and letters to the Journal.
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
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