Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 18

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

What Will Make You Happy?

Our teens are forever following the latest news about their celebrities and their millions. It's easy to conclude that success and money would surely lead to lifelong happiness. But as the later biographies come rolling out we learn success and money just didn't do it.

The great and near great often trip over their own egos on their way to the good life or they dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.

Every child has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.

"Mom, If I could just have to have that toy! It was on TV, everybody's got one."
Even parents of teenagers will recognize this routine. There's just one more thing and then...there's just one more thing.

The routine changes as the kids grow up. First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. Even us adults believe at times that if we could win the lottery everything would be fine.

I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this "Money and Things Could Make Me Happy" stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with the celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy."

But, alas, even when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along he or she usually comes up short on making us completely happy—probably because as both parties enter this new relationship, they bring ourselves along.

So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. The control, in the end, belongs only to you. And it's not the destination that brings happiness, it's how you handle the trip. Every day we each re-create our focus? What priority do you give to things, people, and your own inner peace, today?

I suppose, we all dwell in all three stages from time to time. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol for stage two but remain well attached to the toys and money view of stage one and need lots of guidance. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if an example is set before them.

Here's where parents, grandparents, and other adults is the family come into the happiness quest. If the important members of the family say, "If I only had more money, more stuff, I would be happy," then the kids are likely to end up with the same hopeless opinion.

To help your son or daughter reach a deeper sense of happiness, you have to admire yourself occasionally, and you also need to admire your child now and then. "You know, I'm kind of proud of the way the garden turned out this year." And for your child, "I heard the way you helped your friend Lisa when she was feeling down. You are a good friend."

A parent-child conversation that takes inventory of a child's successes and strengths can help with the do-it-yourself job of happiness. "What a talent you have for understanding these computers. Your mom and I need you around just to keep us out of trouble!"

Adults know that a garden activity, a compliment, or just a reflection about a person's own good character, can move that person away from depression and toward happiness. Teenagers need to realize that too, but often have yet to learn that instead of a ski trip or more shopping, the activity can be gardening or helping a friend.

Happiness is not achieved by acquiring stuff, or even the right companion. It comes from satisfaction with yourself and what you are doing. Parents can help their children with this growth by reminding them of their good points and moments.

Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.