Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 3

Raising Goods Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

"Mom (Dad), can we talk?" signals the most important question in child-rearing. A right answer here and the rest of the day will be easier. Children are not always straightforward with this crucial question but they are always knocking at the window of your attention.
It's not easy to turn off the TV or interrupt your work when you hear, "Can we talk?" but your full attention is important.
At the beginning, your attitude is signaled by your physical reaction. Remember that difficult teacher who would never look at you when you had a question? She or he may also have faced away so that your attention lagged and your confidence drained away. The listening habit requires facing up to your conversational partner, not "in their face" but looking at them and showing that you are paying attention.
The next part of listening requires an understanding of a fundamental difference between parent and children in conversation. Children and teens, first of all, want to know, "What does this conversation say about ME?" We parents thought the subject was the most important part! So parents need to put the blames, faults, and "quick-fixes" on hold while protecting a son or daughter's always-fragile self-confidence. It's a risky moment for a child because of his vulnerability and possible embarrassment. Instead of saying, "You should be more..." and "Don't be so..." keep the conversation open by saying, "What did they say after that..." and "Then what happened?"
Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, "You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you." The child becomes defensive possibly before their real topic has even surfaced. So avoiding the personal criticism by getting into the "It" instead of the "You" habit leaves time for your child to bring up his real topic at his own pace.
Conversation does not make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner or make a loser only turns the attention to the score instead of the topic. This is not a tennis game where every ball must be returned and every mistake noted and corrected. Without the competitive atmosphere, parents can set a less frantic pace.
So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the "it" instead of the "you" method. Often when a child says, "You just don't understand!" they really mean, "You're blaming me as a person; I want to start with something else." Good listening allows information to flow to you; poor listening only produces a game with a final score. That's why the first requirement of tolerance and acceptance is needed in the earliest years and in the earliest part of each conversation.