Raising Good Keds in Tough Times - 12

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

School, Friends, and the Ten Commandments: A Parent's Role

A judge asked a teen in court for mugging, "Didn't your parents teach you about respect for others, about principles and character?" The teen said, "Character? I don't think the subject ever came up!"

It's a surprising answer, but character can be an uncomfortable subject as the discussion leads from lying and stealing to dangerous and degrading sexual activities. Many parents find it easier to let others do the explaining and the preaching. But even these parents will do most of their teaching by their model. They are always on stage; their views, attitudes, and disposition are the ones most likely copied—even by the teenager who says he will never be like his parents. Imitation is still the most common human behavior.

Whatever your views of the rights and legal wherefores concerning posting the commandments in schools, it's a good time to look for opportunities to talk over the values expressed in the commandments with your son or daughter. As a parent, you have the most influence. By your example, you teach your version of respect for others and the principles of character; the TV, movies, and even the posters in school rate a long second compared to parental influence.

In order for your children to explore their opinions and form their own view of good character, they need to tinker with many ideas. If every remark is criticized, if every conversation is treated as a tennis game where each return requires yet another return until someone wins, teens will harden their defensive style early, say less, think less, and the exploration stage will be short. These discussions should be open and free of personal attacks such as: Why would you think of that. That shows that you are to blame, wrong, or off-base.

Treating the ideas of character, values, and values of the spirit requires a moratorium on who wins or loses. Once the score card is started in a conversation, the tallies get more attention than the ideas.

Specifics in the area of character are hard to agree on. In the definition most of us would include honesty, reliability, respect and consideration of others. Some would add a sense of fairness, loyalty and citizenship, concern and cooperation with the community.

Of course the subject will have to come up in order for all of these topics to be discussed. Who will start it off? Who will provide time and attention to allow a child in these times to stop and consider the answers to questions of character? Most parents I know find that getting behind their child and pushing them toward a better character is not as effective as getting out in front of their child with their own model to imitate and providing a safe and comfortable situation to talk.

Since social development, attitude, choice of friends, relationships, and self-image are so dependent on how it goes at school, the example set by parental attitudes toward school, other students, and people in general will be important.

The advocates of posting the ten commandments fear that the reminders of values, principles, and character will be left out. So it's all the more important to mind your model and see that the subject of character does come up in discussion at home.

Next Tuesday: Siblings, Birth order, and Getting Along at home. Please send your comments and letters to the Journal.

Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com