Many parent letters to behavior.org (where I am editor of the parenting branch) complain that the older teenagers are unhappy and unprepared for life problems. I have forwarded the following column in answer to those letters. Over the years parents have sent over 600
e-mails to behavior.org.
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Can You Give a Happy Easter?
Can you make a child happy with chocolate eggs, bunnies or a spring outing? Sometimes it seems like a thankless job. Teaching and coaching about time, money and happiness is a childhood-long parenting style.
This parenting skill is needed much earlier than many believe. Attitudes about handling money and budgeting time develop early and are followed quickly by the problems of love, sex and the happiness game.
Time. Seven hours a day they cruise the computer and TV channels. That’s how our eight to 18-year-olds spend their day.
The choices change as they grow—eight-year-olds watch more TV while 17-year olds listen to more music and text, Twitter and Facebook through their day. It doesn’t make much difference which technology they choose since they remember next to nothing of their “techno-chatter” because there’s no practice, just staring, added to a little thumb and finger exercise.
Little time is left for family and recreation activities, which leaves no doubt as to why today’s kids are more depressed and 15 pounds heavier than the kids of the 70s.
What can parents do? Mom and Dad should know what programs, TV or computer, their children are watching. Parents should set time limits on these non-activities. Only 20 percent of seventh to 12th graders report that their parents enforce time and content rules.
Hobbies, crafts, and sports give children and teens a chance to learn new skills and develop pride in their abilities instead of envying the bad habits of TV characters. Invest in good age-appropriate reading materials and, of course, insist on schoolwork before entertainment.
Money. Our teens follow the latest news about celebrities and their millions. They can easily conclude that success and money will surely lead to lifelong happiness. But the latest celebrity biographies tell us that success and money just didn't do it.
The great and near-great often dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.
What are your teens learning about mortgages, leases and car insurance that they will need in just a few years? If they have no experience with these expenses why would they care about money? Maybe they would drive more reasonably if they faced the bills every month.
I asked one teen, “Did your insurance go up when you had that fender bender?”
His answer, “Uh, I don’t know.”
Happiness. Every teenager has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.
First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy." Mr. or Ms. Right usually can’t complete the happiness job either.
So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. It’s what we do, what we learn and how we use what we learn that makes a good day.
I suppose we all dwell in each of the three stages occasionally. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol from stage two but remain well attached to the toys-and-money stage. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if you set an example before them.
Adults know that mowing, washing the car or just complimenting a friend can make a person feel better all day. Teenagers need to realize that too, but are often too occupied with their ipod or with shopping at the mall to learn that washing the car or helping a friend can feel good.
So when your child-teen says, “I bet you can’t make me happy,” tell him, “No, I can’t, but I bet you can.”
Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the Journal or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Bedtime
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Kids Who Won’t Sleep
We adults have learned to deal with our morning grogginess after a bad night’s sleep. As our head clears, we get on with our day.
Kids don’t have that self control, and they may have no idea that last night’s restless sleep has anything to do with their bad behavior or upcoming tantrum. Even parents might not relate today’s problem to last night’s bedtime row.
The National Sleep Foundation reviewed Take Charge of Your Child’s Sleep by Judith Owens and Jody Mindell in which the authors explain that caffeine and its “sister” chemicals, theophyline and theobromine, are central nervous system stimulants. They give the kids a buzz, increasing heart rate and a sense of alertness. The effect begins in about 15 minutes and lasts three to eight hours. There is no evidence that caffeine makes a drunk person sober or fit to drive.
Caffeine remains the number one disruptor of sleep because consumption per child has doubled in the past 35 years. The addiction can last way beyond the teen years as pre-adults deliberately use a big dose of Red Bull, Monster or Starbucks products to pump themselves up in the day and to stay up too late at night.
In addition to caffeine, sleep problems in children have other common sources such as certain prescription medications, interference from pets, upsetting television or video games just before bedtime, inadequate exercise or exercise too close to bedtime, excess weight and bedtime arguments.
Several studies show that most people, children, teens and adults, get too little sleep. Children need nine to 11 hours of sleep. Less can lead to misbehavior, learning difficulties, poor grades and out-of-control reactions.
Saferchild.org explains how you can tell if your child is sleep deprived. Is he difficult to wake up in the morning? Does he take more than 45 minutes to go to sleep at night? If awakened does he have trouble going back to sleep? Does she snore or seem to struggle to breathe? Does he need to sleep in? Does she wake up cranky, get cranky or fall asleep easily in the afternoon?
Many professionals recommend this checklist for easing bedtime problems:
1. Have a routine. Your child should not fall asleep in your bed, on the couch, on the floor or in the car; he should fall asleep in his own bed.
2. Have a quiet period before bed, such as reading a book together.
3. Keep caffeine out of the house and TV out of the bedroom.
4. If necessary, add a “friend,” such as a comforting stuffed animal—not a toy that is noisy or can be turned on.
5. Give your child water. Avoid holding back on water just so he sleeps through the night. Many children cannot sleep when thirsty.
6. Check medications. Common meds, even those prescribed for ADHD, can cause sleep problems and next-day tantrums.
7. Find out what’s wrong. Explore issues that might be troubling her. Is she afraid of something or annoyed by certain sounds?
Hold to your evening routine. Most solutions for sleep problems are in the activities and diet of the day already ending.
Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the Journal or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Kids Who Won’t Sleep
We adults have learned to deal with our morning grogginess after a bad night’s sleep. As our head clears, we get on with our day.
Kids don’t have that self control, and they may have no idea that last night’s restless sleep has anything to do with their bad behavior or upcoming tantrum. Even parents might not relate today’s problem to last night’s bedtime row.
The National Sleep Foundation reviewed Take Charge of Your Child’s Sleep by Judith Owens and Jody Mindell in which the authors explain that caffeine and its “sister” chemicals, theophyline and theobromine, are central nervous system stimulants. They give the kids a buzz, increasing heart rate and a sense of alertness. The effect begins in about 15 minutes and lasts three to eight hours. There is no evidence that caffeine makes a drunk person sober or fit to drive.
Caffeine remains the number one disruptor of sleep because consumption per child has doubled in the past 35 years. The addiction can last way beyond the teen years as pre-adults deliberately use a big dose of Red Bull, Monster or Starbucks products to pump themselves up in the day and to stay up too late at night.
In addition to caffeine, sleep problems in children have other common sources such as certain prescription medications, interference from pets, upsetting television or video games just before bedtime, inadequate exercise or exercise too close to bedtime, excess weight and bedtime arguments.
Several studies show that most people, children, teens and adults, get too little sleep. Children need nine to 11 hours of sleep. Less can lead to misbehavior, learning difficulties, poor grades and out-of-control reactions.
Saferchild.org explains how you can tell if your child is sleep deprived. Is he difficult to wake up in the morning? Does he take more than 45 minutes to go to sleep at night? If awakened does he have trouble going back to sleep? Does she snore or seem to struggle to breathe? Does he need to sleep in? Does she wake up cranky, get cranky or fall asleep easily in the afternoon?
Many professionals recommend this checklist for easing bedtime problems:
1. Have a routine. Your child should not fall asleep in your bed, on the couch, on the floor or in the car; he should fall asleep in his own bed.
2. Have a quiet period before bed, such as reading a book together.
3. Keep caffeine out of the house and TV out of the bedroom.
4. If necessary, add a “friend,” such as a comforting stuffed animal—not a toy that is noisy or can be turned on.
5. Give your child water. Avoid holding back on water just so he sleeps through the night. Many children cannot sleep when thirsty.
6. Check medications. Common meds, even those prescribed for ADHD, can cause sleep problems and next-day tantrums.
7. Find out what’s wrong. Explore issues that might be troubling her. Is she afraid of something or annoyed by certain sounds?
Hold to your evening routine. Most solutions for sleep problems are in the activities and diet of the day already ending.
Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the Journal or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Acting Right Starts with Eating Right
Ed. Note: This is the first in a three-part series about early basics that last through the teen years.
You would think teaching children the basics would be easy, but sometimes eating and sleeping can be a battle from the beginning of childhood. Even toilet training can produce conflict long after it should have been over with.
We parents must be doing a pretty good job since almost all teenagers learn the eating, sleeping and bathroom skills well enough. Yet “well enough” may leave the foundation of life-long health problems. Why are the basics so much trouble?
Eating is problematic because little ones don’t always know why, or if, they feel hungry and parents have only secondhand information. All parents have experienced a baby pushing away food she is offered only to find that a dirty diaper was the real problem. Yet many of us cling to the notion that food will solve the problem of a fussy child. Later on, the child may also believe the happiness-food connection and carry it into adulthood.
The best parental control over diet is in the supermarket. If Mom doesn’t buy sugar-laden food, caffeine and fatty snacks, the kids will fuss but they will have to eat their fat, salt and sugar somewhere else. Kids are not good advisors at the food store. If they are going to be trouble, shop when you can shop alone.
One mother told me that her son’s stubbornness about food changed when she gave him part of the cooking chores. Once he began helping to prepare meats and vegetables, his choices at meals were wider and more reasonable.
Many parents have healthy children with no problems related to diet except occasionally eating too little and often eating too much. Statisticians tell us that 2004 was the year obesity took over as the No. 1 cause of early death in the U.S.
Controlling the quantity of food can be even harder than controlling the quality. A good solution for this problem is to serve meals buffet style, allowing each person to serve himself but then putting away the leftovers before beginning to eat in order to discourage second helpings.
Another good strategy is to serve one course at a time – soup or salad with nothing else yet on the table, then another course. The advantage of this routine is that food has time to get to the body sensors that signal fullness. Fast eating usually means over-eating and bad choices.
Manners are best taught by infrequent corrections and by example. Table nagging may only result in arguments and the children may learn to resist Mom and Dad’s control or they may learn to eat to please them – neither outcome is healthy preparation for a lifetime of eating.
West Virginia is now No. 1 in obesity. Type 2 diabetes, previously considered an adult disease, has also increased dramatically among children. The U.S. Surgeon General’s office says a weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds above normal weight increases the risk of developing diabetes to twice that of people who have not gained extra weight. Half of West Virginia’s children have gained this extra weight and risk.
While the kids are still young, be very selective at the supermarket. When it comes to diet the kids have no idea what is good for them and parents have to see that the choices coming home are good ones.
Next time: What makes a good night’s sleep?
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Acting Right Starts with Eating Right
Ed. Note: This is the first in a three-part series about early basics that last through the teen years.
You would think teaching children the basics would be easy, but sometimes eating and sleeping can be a battle from the beginning of childhood. Even toilet training can produce conflict long after it should have been over with.
We parents must be doing a pretty good job since almost all teenagers learn the eating, sleeping and bathroom skills well enough. Yet “well enough” may leave the foundation of life-long health problems. Why are the basics so much trouble?
Eating is problematic because little ones don’t always know why, or if, they feel hungry and parents have only secondhand information. All parents have experienced a baby pushing away food she is offered only to find that a dirty diaper was the real problem. Yet many of us cling to the notion that food will solve the problem of a fussy child. Later on, the child may also believe the happiness-food connection and carry it into adulthood.
The best parental control over diet is in the supermarket. If Mom doesn’t buy sugar-laden food, caffeine and fatty snacks, the kids will fuss but they will have to eat their fat, salt and sugar somewhere else. Kids are not good advisors at the food store. If they are going to be trouble, shop when you can shop alone.
One mother told me that her son’s stubbornness about food changed when she gave him part of the cooking chores. Once he began helping to prepare meats and vegetables, his choices at meals were wider and more reasonable.
Many parents have healthy children with no problems related to diet except occasionally eating too little and often eating too much. Statisticians tell us that 2004 was the year obesity took over as the No. 1 cause of early death in the U.S.
Controlling the quantity of food can be even harder than controlling the quality. A good solution for this problem is to serve meals buffet style, allowing each person to serve himself but then putting away the leftovers before beginning to eat in order to discourage second helpings.
Another good strategy is to serve one course at a time – soup or salad with nothing else yet on the table, then another course. The advantage of this routine is that food has time to get to the body sensors that signal fullness. Fast eating usually means over-eating and bad choices.
Manners are best taught by infrequent corrections and by example. Table nagging may only result in arguments and the children may learn to resist Mom and Dad’s control or they may learn to eat to please them – neither outcome is healthy preparation for a lifetime of eating.
West Virginia is now No. 1 in obesity. Type 2 diabetes, previously considered an adult disease, has also increased dramatically among children. The U.S. Surgeon General’s office says a weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds above normal weight increases the risk of developing diabetes to twice that of people who have not gained extra weight. Half of West Virginia’s children have gained this extra weight and risk.
While the kids are still young, be very selective at the supermarket. When it comes to diet the kids have no idea what is good for them and parents have to see that the choices coming home are good ones.
Next time: What makes a good night’s sleep?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Most new parents are worried about the basic three: The children's diet, their sleeping habits and toilet training when that comes along. To help ease those worries, I am adding three blog comments taken from my recent column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
Basic number 1:
Acting Right Starts with Eating Right
You would think teaching children the basics would be easy, but sometimes eating and sleeping can be a battle from the beginning of childhood. Even toilet training can produce conflict long after it should have been over with.
We parents must be doing a pretty good job since almost all teenagers learn the eating, sleeping and bathroom skills well enough. Yet “well enough” may leave the foundation of life-long health problems. Why are the basics so much trouble?
Eating is problematic because little ones don’t always know why, or if, they feel hungry and parents have only secondhand information. All parents have experienced a baby pushing away food she is offered only to find that a dirty diaper was the real problem. Yet many of us cling to the notion that food will solve the problem of a fussy child. Later on, the child may also believe the happiness-food connection and carry it into adulthood.
The best parental control over diet is in the supermarket. If Mom doesn’t buy sugar-laden food, caffeine and fatty snacks, the kids will fuss but they will have to eat their fat, salt and sugar somewhere else. Kids are not good advisors at the food store. If they are going to be trouble, shop when you can shop alone.
One mother told me that her son’s stubbornness about food changed when she gave him part of the cooking chores. Once he began helping to prepare meats and vegetables, his choices at meals were wider and more reasonable.
Many parents have healthy children with no problems related to diet except occasionally eating too little and often eating too much. Statisticians tell us that 2004 was the year obesity took over as the No. 1 cause of early death in the U.S.
Controlling the quantity of food can be even harder than controlling the quality. A good solution for this problem is to serve meals buffet style, allowing each person to serve himself but then putting away the leftovers before beginning to eat in order to discourage second helpings.
Another good strategy is to serve one course at a time – soup or salad with nothing else yet on the table, then another course. The advantage of this routine is that food has time to get to the body sensors that signal fullness. Fast eating usually means over-eating and bad choices.
Manners are best taught by infrequent corrections and by example. Table nagging may only result in arguments and the children may learn to resist Mom and Dad’s control or they may learn to eat to please them – neither outcome is healthy preparation for a lifetime of eating.
West Virginia is now No. 1 in obesity. Type 2 diabetes, previously considered an adult disease, has also increased dramatically among children. The U.S. Surgeon General’s office says a weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds above normal weight increases the risk of developing diabetes to twice that of people who have not gained extra weight. Half of West Virginia’s children have gained this extra weight and risk.
While the kids are still young, be very selective at the supermarket. When it comes to diet the kids have no idea what is good for them and parents have to see that the choices coming home are good ones.
Next time: What makes a good night’s sleep?
Basic number 1:
Acting Right Starts with Eating Right
You would think teaching children the basics would be easy, but sometimes eating and sleeping can be a battle from the beginning of childhood. Even toilet training can produce conflict long after it should have been over with.
We parents must be doing a pretty good job since almost all teenagers learn the eating, sleeping and bathroom skills well enough. Yet “well enough” may leave the foundation of life-long health problems. Why are the basics so much trouble?
Eating is problematic because little ones don’t always know why, or if, they feel hungry and parents have only secondhand information. All parents have experienced a baby pushing away food she is offered only to find that a dirty diaper was the real problem. Yet many of us cling to the notion that food will solve the problem of a fussy child. Later on, the child may also believe the happiness-food connection and carry it into adulthood.
The best parental control over diet is in the supermarket. If Mom doesn’t buy sugar-laden food, caffeine and fatty snacks, the kids will fuss but they will have to eat their fat, salt and sugar somewhere else. Kids are not good advisors at the food store. If they are going to be trouble, shop when you can shop alone.
One mother told me that her son’s stubbornness about food changed when she gave him part of the cooking chores. Once he began helping to prepare meats and vegetables, his choices at meals were wider and more reasonable.
Many parents have healthy children with no problems related to diet except occasionally eating too little and often eating too much. Statisticians tell us that 2004 was the year obesity took over as the No. 1 cause of early death in the U.S.
Controlling the quantity of food can be even harder than controlling the quality. A good solution for this problem is to serve meals buffet style, allowing each person to serve himself but then putting away the leftovers before beginning to eat in order to discourage second helpings.
Another good strategy is to serve one course at a time – soup or salad with nothing else yet on the table, then another course. The advantage of this routine is that food has time to get to the body sensors that signal fullness. Fast eating usually means over-eating and bad choices.
Manners are best taught by infrequent corrections and by example. Table nagging may only result in arguments and the children may learn to resist Mom and Dad’s control or they may learn to eat to please them – neither outcome is healthy preparation for a lifetime of eating.
West Virginia is now No. 1 in obesity. Type 2 diabetes, previously considered an adult disease, has also increased dramatically among children. The U.S. Surgeon General’s office says a weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds above normal weight increases the risk of developing diabetes to twice that of people who have not gained extra weight. Half of West Virginia’s children have gained this extra weight and risk.
While the kids are still young, be very selective at the supermarket. When it comes to diet the kids have no idea what is good for them and parents have to see that the choices coming home are good ones.
Next time: What makes a good night’s sleep?
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 18
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
What Will Make You Happy?
Our teens are forever following the latest news about their celebrities and their millions. It's easy to conclude that success and money would surely lead to lifelong happiness. But as the later biographies come rolling out we learn success and money just didn't do it.
The great and near great often trip over their own egos on their way to the good life or they dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.
Every child has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.
"Mom, If I could just have to have that toy! It was on TV, everybody's got one."
Even parents of teenagers will recognize this routine. There's just one more thing and then...there's just one more thing.
The routine changes as the kids grow up. First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. Even us adults believe at times that if we could win the lottery everything would be fine.
I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this "Money and Things Could Make Me Happy" stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with the celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy."
But, alas, even when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along he or she usually comes up short on making us completely happy—probably because as both parties enter this new relationship, they bring ourselves along.
So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. The control, in the end, belongs only to you. And it's not the destination that brings happiness, it's how you handle the trip. Every day we each re-create our focus? What priority do you give to things, people, and your own inner peace, today?
I suppose, we all dwell in all three stages from time to time. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol for stage two but remain well attached to the toys and money view of stage one and need lots of guidance. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if an example is set before them.
Here's where parents, grandparents, and other adults is the family come into the happiness quest. If the important members of the family say, "If I only had more money, more stuff, I would be happy," then the kids are likely to end up with the same hopeless opinion.
To help your son or daughter reach a deeper sense of happiness, you have to admire yourself occasionally, and you also need to admire your child now and then. "You know, I'm kind of proud of the way the garden turned out this year." And for your child, "I heard the way you helped your friend Lisa when she was feeling down. You are a good friend."
A parent-child conversation that takes inventory of a child's successes and strengths can help with the do-it-yourself job of happiness. "What a talent you have for understanding these computers. Your mom and I need you around just to keep us out of trouble!"
Adults know that a garden activity, a compliment, or just a reflection about a person's own good character, can move that person away from depression and toward happiness. Teenagers need to realize that too, but often have yet to learn that instead of a ski trip or more shopping, the activity can be gardening or helping a friend.
Happiness is not achieved by acquiring stuff, or even the right companion. It comes from satisfaction with yourself and what you are doing. Parents can help their children with this growth by reminding them of their good points and moments.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
What Will Make You Happy?
Our teens are forever following the latest news about their celebrities and their millions. It's easy to conclude that success and money would surely lead to lifelong happiness. But as the later biographies come rolling out we learn success and money just didn't do it.
The great and near great often trip over their own egos on their way to the good life or they dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.
Every child has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.
"Mom, If I could just have to have that toy! It was on TV, everybody's got one."
Even parents of teenagers will recognize this routine. There's just one more thing and then...there's just one more thing.
The routine changes as the kids grow up. First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. Even us adults believe at times that if we could win the lottery everything would be fine.
I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this "Money and Things Could Make Me Happy" stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with the celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy."
But, alas, even when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along he or she usually comes up short on making us completely happy—probably because as both parties enter this new relationship, they bring ourselves along.
So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. The control, in the end, belongs only to you. And it's not the destination that brings happiness, it's how you handle the trip. Every day we each re-create our focus? What priority do you give to things, people, and your own inner peace, today?
I suppose, we all dwell in all three stages from time to time. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol for stage two but remain well attached to the toys and money view of stage one and need lots of guidance. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if an example is set before them.
Here's where parents, grandparents, and other adults is the family come into the happiness quest. If the important members of the family say, "If I only had more money, more stuff, I would be happy," then the kids are likely to end up with the same hopeless opinion.
To help your son or daughter reach a deeper sense of happiness, you have to admire yourself occasionally, and you also need to admire your child now and then. "You know, I'm kind of proud of the way the garden turned out this year." And for your child, "I heard the way you helped your friend Lisa when she was feeling down. You are a good friend."
A parent-child conversation that takes inventory of a child's successes and strengths can help with the do-it-yourself job of happiness. "What a talent you have for understanding these computers. Your mom and I need you around just to keep us out of trouble!"
Adults know that a garden activity, a compliment, or just a reflection about a person's own good character, can move that person away from depression and toward happiness. Teenagers need to realize that too, but often have yet to learn that instead of a ski trip or more shopping, the activity can be gardening or helping a friend.
Happiness is not achieved by acquiring stuff, or even the right companion. It comes from satisfaction with yourself and what you are doing. Parents can help their children with this growth by reminding them of their good points and moments.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 16
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Computer Companions
Even our grandparents were concerned about the effect of the media on their children whether it was the radio or the movies. Violence, shallow values, simplistic answers to life's questions, and relationships too sexual and too oriented to looks and popularity seemed to have been prevalent even back then. By 1950, TV was developing fast and the concerns were intensified.
Now the kids have computers for companions and the parents vs the media struggle has escalated. As we already know from the movies and TV, media can take a lot of time away from the family. Even when family time gets its turn, it can seem tame after hours of exciting computer games and TV programs with problems and solutions every 27 minutes.
Like the TV challenge to parental influence, computer companions subtract from exercise and real experience with social skills, friends, and life's stresses. As a source of information, the computer companion can become more credible than parents or teachers! And your child's computer companion can slip in a lot of information unobserved by parents because computers are usually more isolated from family traffic than TV's and therefore less supervised.
Here's another place where parents need to set limits on how much and what kind of programs (TV or computer) their children watch and use. Put violence off limits and make it a habit to look over your son or daughter's shoulder frequently. "What are you watching?" is still a legitimate question for parents even if the screen is a monitor and not a TV.
Parents may be tempted to use VCR's, TV's, and computer companions to keep the children busy. While computer companions are not necessarily bad babysitters, their best role is as a basis for family discussions to be sure sons and daughters come away with a realistic view of the programs.
Children are often disappointed that the real world doesn't measure up to the excitement of TV and computer games. Adults, on the other hand, are often disappointed that the games and the TV don't measure up to the real world where success requires work, relationships require respect, and risky behaviors produce logical consequences. So the subjects can provide a lot of opportunity for discussion of character-building values. Since the media programs also provide a potential for disagreement, parents need to keep the discussion pleasant and avoid making the conversation into a competitive sport.
Projects and crafts that have concrete results are good competition for the computer companion and are much more likely to attract attention, admiration, and strengthen a child's or teen's value of his own usefulness. It will be his value of himself - not his computer companion - gained from his discussions with you and his own successes that will protect him when he is tempted by those dangerous teenage behaviors.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Computer Companions
Even our grandparents were concerned about the effect of the media on their children whether it was the radio or the movies. Violence, shallow values, simplistic answers to life's questions, and relationships too sexual and too oriented to looks and popularity seemed to have been prevalent even back then. By 1950, TV was developing fast and the concerns were intensified.
Now the kids have computers for companions and the parents vs the media struggle has escalated. As we already know from the movies and TV, media can take a lot of time away from the family. Even when family time gets its turn, it can seem tame after hours of exciting computer games and TV programs with problems and solutions every 27 minutes.
Like the TV challenge to parental influence, computer companions subtract from exercise and real experience with social skills, friends, and life's stresses. As a source of information, the computer companion can become more credible than parents or teachers! And your child's computer companion can slip in a lot of information unobserved by parents because computers are usually more isolated from family traffic than TV's and therefore less supervised.
Here's another place where parents need to set limits on how much and what kind of programs (TV or computer) their children watch and use. Put violence off limits and make it a habit to look over your son or daughter's shoulder frequently. "What are you watching?" is still a legitimate question for parents even if the screen is a monitor and not a TV.
Parents may be tempted to use VCR's, TV's, and computer companions to keep the children busy. While computer companions are not necessarily bad babysitters, their best role is as a basis for family discussions to be sure sons and daughters come away with a realistic view of the programs.
Children are often disappointed that the real world doesn't measure up to the excitement of TV and computer games. Adults, on the other hand, are often disappointed that the games and the TV don't measure up to the real world where success requires work, relationships require respect, and risky behaviors produce logical consequences. So the subjects can provide a lot of opportunity for discussion of character-building values. Since the media programs also provide a potential for disagreement, parents need to keep the discussion pleasant and avoid making the conversation into a competitive sport.
Projects and crafts that have concrete results are good competition for the computer companion and are much more likely to attract attention, admiration, and strengthen a child's or teen's value of his own usefulness. It will be his value of himself - not his computer companion - gained from his discussions with you and his own successes that will protect him when he is tempted by those dangerous teenage behaviors.
Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 14
Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Mind Your Model
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.
Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?
Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"
Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.
Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!
Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Mind Your Model
Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.
Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!
Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.
Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?
Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"
Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.
Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.
If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."
In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.
The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.
Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.
A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!
Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.
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