Parent Success

Second Marriage Child Rearing

2011-01-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

First in a series of three about family adjustments when families change.

When a parent with children marries a second time, family circumstances can be complex. The stepparent in most states is a “legal stranger.” That means the stepfather (if Mom brings the children into the marriage) has no legal right to the minor child’s discipline no matter how involved in the child’s life he may be. If Dad brings the children to the marriage, Mom is the “legal stranger.”

The rights and privileges remain with the biological parents. The legal stranger, though married to one biological parent, has no rights concerning the child unless he is assigned them by an adoption agreement with the biological parents. And, of course, the package includes responsibilities such as child support and educational necessities. Even if one biological parent is a “non-custodial parent,” that is, no longer in the picture, he or she retains specified rights as well as responsibilities.

Married or not, partners in a long-term relationship must cooperate in parenting. This requires talk and negotiation with and without smaller ears listening in. Both parents have to back up each other when one steps in to do his part.
When I was counseling Jason’s mother through some tough times, 13-year-old Jason asked her for money to buy a video game. She said, “Ask your father.”

Going-on-14 said, “You mean Franklin? He’s not my father.”

Mom said, “He is in this house, go ask him if he will help you.” Franklin said no to the violent video game but offered to buy Jason his second choice, a GPS “app” for Jason’s phone. Jason was learning something about the good side of Mom’s effort to rebuild her social life and about his place in the family.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Census, over 50 percent of the 60 million children under 13 are living with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner. Whatever these children do is likely to get some parental or current partner reaction. It will be negative or positive or the parenting powers will react with indifference.

Since both “old” parents and new ones know the bad behaviors when they see them, they may be less clear about the good behaviors and react to them less often. Newcomers in this parenting situation can easily overlook their responsibility to admire good things of their new “offspring.” They may presume that parent number 1 should do that. The relationship with kids will change fast when the positive reactions are left out. To correct the situation, let’s start with two good family rules the new couple should talk over frequently.

Rule 1: Find the good behaviors. New Dads seem to have the most trouble finding good behaviors and reacting to them. Dads XE father: attitudes of may hold back on compliments and praise when trying to keep their newly acquired teen or preteen on the right path.
It may be that we Dads set our standards too high or we may think that compliments will indicate weakness. Afraid we will lose our thunder, we leave the positive stuff, too often, to Mom. Dad needs to make the effort.

Rule 2: Careful with conversation. When it comes to serious conversation, many parents find their teen or preteen to be elusive prey not easily cornered or impressed.

Issues and new ideas are part of the "brain exercise" all children and teens need. When a sensitive topic comes up, parents and stepparents need to resist “telling” their child and begin a discussion on neutral ground instead.

Check your physical message. Do you still have the remote in hand, finger poised over the mute button? Put it away, face your son or daughter and look at them often.

Avoid criticisms that are likely to be taken personally and internalized by your teen or child. "What (inside condition) makes you so inconsiderate, so negative? Why don't you pay more attention to what you're saying? What were you thinking of?"
Such inside blame is a dangerous parental habit because the child-teen is viewed as "having" (inside) a nearly unchangeable character. Better to keep the “you” out of it: “That's a different point of view.” “What would your teacher think of that?”

We parents usually think the topic of conversation is the most important part while teens are likely to focus on what the conversation implies about them personally. Keep the subject on a third-person basis as much as possible as you would with an adult. Say, “Then what happened?” instead of, “Then what did you do?” “It's hard to get along with everyone,” instead of, “You should be more friendly.”

Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, “You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you.” Good relationships are not about competing and conversation doesn’t make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner requires making a loser and turns the attention to the score instead of the topic.

So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the “it” instead of the “you” method.

Next time: Bad habits and rules about punishment.

New blog!

2010-01-13T11:28:00.000-08:00

Dr. McIntire's ParentSuccess blog has moved!

Check out our new-and-improved site for columns, tips, and book recommendations at: http://rogermcintire.wordpress.com/

Thanks, and have a great New Year!

2009-07-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

As the third in a series on my column in the Martinsburg Journal, I am recviewing going off to college for parents. I thought this one was particularly relvent here at the beginning of summer for parents facing this problem

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Parent Help Before College
Just a week or so ago, our budding college students graduated from high school and in only a few more weeks they will face college on their own. How can parents help their student stay the course through four years?
Few students will leave college because of low grades. Colleges don’t send many termination letters. Usually the student does the leaving, because of loneliness, possible money problems, or as the result of bad habits.
Bad habits start when offers of credit cards come to their new mailbox. Cars and credit cards keep the pressure on to work more hours at a part-time job. Students need to keep shopping, credit cards and car expenses low.
Student surveys show that the most likely dropouts are students who live far from campus and work long hours at a job away from school. The best predictor of impending failure is cutting classes because of a long commute or long work hours. These students start by complaining of no time left after school and work. They end by dropping the only part of college they signed up for—the classes. Students need to join campus clubs and activities to keep morale up.
When it comes to staying healthy, you would think 18-year-olds would be at the peak of health. Yet bad habits and an inclination to feel invulnerable have led to campus infirmary statistics that tell a different story. Late-night studying, bad diet and only erratic exercise make college students the greatest sufferers of colds, headaches, and the latest flu bug.
Parents should consider giving an “Off-to-College Shower.” Invite all the relatives and friends. Ask each person to write a little advice in a front-door guest book, “The best thing I did in school was... have a good breakfast…join the local church young adults group...take up dancing... run every day...join the computer club or the ski club.”
If your college-bound student still has time to go before college, start the practice now on choosing a good diet, holding to an exercise routine, and learning the domestic basics of cooking, using the laundry, and managing a budget. Trying to teach the basics of living on the dormitory steps is too late. Practice at home will get them off to a good start when they are on their own.
Trouble selecting a major is a common factor in the dropout statistics. Most universities have 100 or more majors, but first-time students can barely name 20! No wonder over 90 percent of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.
Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is in educating about the variety of life's opportunities.
If college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision.
When graduates of five years ago are asked what courses they wish they had taken, they seldom mention courses in their major. Instead, engineers mention business courses, teachers mention additional psychology or language courses and others mention history, science or hobby-developing courses. It's a long way from graduation to retirement.
Campus career counselors can be a great help if they are part of schedule planning from the start. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.
Next time: the big mistakes to avoid in college.

2009-05-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

A letter last week to "Raising Good Kids in Tough Times" asked about a 5-year-old's problem with dealing her parents' conflict. I replied with the following note and added a recent column.

Thank you for wirting CCBS. Of course, an exchange of e-mails is not sufficient to solve any problem and you'll want to consider my remarks in view of your own experience with your 5-year-old daughter.
That said, I am following this note with a recent newspaper column that might help with her reactions to her Mom and Dad's struggle with their divorce.
I am sure I am only speaking to a part of the problem but I think examples of how to act toward her parents are being put before her in the discussions of the parents' problems. Kids copy. Much more than we think.
She knows about the problem so let's keep the reminders of the details out of it. Make discussions of ex's mistakes, meaness and attitudes off limits.

The column is more about the style she copies but she also takes in details and mimicks the emotions.

Please read the column when you have time. And please write again and tell me your reactions.

Rog McIntire

Tantrums

2009-05-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

A mother wrote to me this week and said:
My son, who will be four next month, is frequently defiant and has temper tantrums that last at least 20 minutes where he is inconsolablr and destructive. I've use all the methods. Help! This is the most common complaint I hear. I usually answer with three ideas...

I am following this note with three recent newspaper columns that might help with the tantrum problem, probably more answer than you wanted.
Since you have tried many suggestions, in addition to your reactions discussed in the first column, I have added two additional columns about allergies and other diet problems that can be part of the tantruming problem.

Please read these when you have time. And please write again and tell me your reactions.

Rog McIntire

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Dealing with Kids' Tantrums

Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.

Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Allergy Symptoms
More than 3 million children under age 18 had allergic reactions to foods in the last year. That is an increase of 18 percent in the last 10 years, says the National Center for Health Statistics.
Nine percent of children in the United States are diagnosed with hay fever. An estimated 20 to 40 percent (15 million) children have undiagnosed hay fever allergies. The most common symptoms of all of these allergies are nasal congestion, itchy nose, runny nose, sneezing and red, itchy, watery eyes.
Can allergies cause behavioral symptoms? Yes, but the cause may not be direct. Of course a child, irritated by his allergies, is likely to show hyperactivity, aggression, irritability, depression and social anxieties more easily than a non-allergic child. The link often comes from trouble sleeping due to congestion. Tantrums, whining, crying, and even headaches and depression may come from the previous night’s troubled sleep or digestive upset (belching, constipation, gagging, nausea, gas).
Dr. Doris Rapp’s book, Is This Your Child? Discovering and Treating Unrecognized Allergies in Children and Adults, describes ways to identify allergens. Her list of most likely causes includes artificial colorings, preservatives, sugar, milk, corn, cocoa, wheat, grains, eggs and many more.
How can you discover these? Dr. Rapp described Robert, a four-year-old disturbed by hyperactivity and aggression. His day usually started well but then deteriorated into kicking, spitting and refusing to wear clothes. He had a “spacey look” with dark circles under his eyes (often called “allergy eyes”). As the day wore on he became progressively more and more difficult.
His mother wondered if the foods he ate early in the day could be part of his problem. Under a doctor’s care, she began the Multiple Food Elimination Diet, which is very bland and eliminates a long list of possible culprits. Within a few days Robert was unusually calm and consistent all day. When foods were added back to his diet one at a time, Mom found specific answers. Within minutes after eating wheat bread he was attacking his dog, babbling and spitting. Milk produced similar reactions.
The allowed and forbidden foods are identified at the beginning of the Multiple Food Elimination Diet. If you already suspect a particular food, it might be best to try removing that item for a week or two. If more effort is needed, Dr. Rapp’s book gives details on how to proceed.
The Feingold Diet is presented in Jane Hersey’s book, Why Can’t My Child Behave? The Feingold Diet Updated for Today’s Busy Families.” This diet does not test for allergies but eliminates food colorings, specific preservatives and foods that contain salicylates which are found naturally as well as in aspirin. When Dr. Benjamin Feingold treated a woman with a severe case of hives, he removed salicylates from her diet and her hives cleared up. Her behavior also changed from belligerent to normal and Dr. Feingold created his popular diet.
Allergens are often in the foods that the child craves and eats most often. Check with your doctor before beginning any diet that might improve your child’s behavior.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through CCBS or www.ParentSuccess.com.

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

What’s Got Into You?
Editor’s note: This is the last in a series of three about emotional outbursts.
Not all emotional problems are the fault of the perpetrator. Many adults have come to recognize occasional emotional irritations from coffee or the lack of it, certain foods, medications, delay of meals, alcohol abuse, or even missing water for too long.
Children hardly ever get the connection between these sources and their blues, grumps or irritableness. Even parents may need records of moods and diet to see that some mood swings are related to certain foods.
Allergies don’t always show up as dramatic events such as hives or stomach aches. Allergies and food intolerances can come out as behavioral irritations. Even serious problems such as bipolar disorders or ADHD can be aggravated by allergies and sensitivities to foods.
Since the behavioral problems are usually a part of family interactions, what causes what is difficult to sort out. Keeping a record of your child’s behavior and the foods he eats can be an inconvenient task for parents who already have a full schedule.
Most doctors won’t ask you to keep records, but the information can be very useful whether or not a medication is required.
A good way to start is with the most likely culprits: caffeine, sugar, chocolate, eggs, and milk products. Draw up a chart with the days marked down the side and hours across the top. Tape it on the refrigerator.
Record each occasion of the possible culprits and record your rating of your child’s behavior in the hours that follow—1 for no difficulties, 2 for just a slight problem, 3 for getting mad about something trivial, 4 for a big confrontation, 5 for a full, losing-it tantrum. Record everything he eats at all snacks and meals. Often you may find an allergy with no physical symptom. No hives, no itchy eyes or stomach aches, just irritation, prickliness and an occasional tantrum.
Most of the disturbing foods can also disrupt sleep and poor sleeping habits will cause additional behavioral problems. Even timing and quantity of food can disturb sleep and create bad behavior the next day. Overweight children and children who snack too late in the evening can have trouble sleeping.
Since most behavior is partly controlled by what happens before and after, I also ask parents to include a column on the record for what happens just before and then just after the problem. Two hours of TV right before the melt-down or an entertaining argument with Mom every time our little terror delays his homework can indicate an answer that can help as much as any pill.
Medications can be life savers for parents suffering with a severely disturbed child. Drug companies have a right to be proud of the help they provide. But it is not right to belittle environmental effects just because medication can reduce the symptom. Even in severe cases, there are multiple causes and a long-term answer will require that parents discover and deal with these social and environmental causes.

Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through CCBS or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.

"Parent Games"

2009-04-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

One grandparent wrote that her 6-year-old granddaughter was throwing tantrums and using "funny strategies" to get what she wanted.

I answered: "I am following this note with a recent newspaper column of mine that might help (probably more answer than you wanted). You might think these are off the mark because it concerns games she has not yet learned, "Parent Games." These family moments are likely to produce tantrums in the future if your granddaughter still believes she must win. So for now I would pick games carefully where there are no winners. Of course, it is the losing that bothers her which makes me think she needs a lot of winning compliments outside of games. "It is easier to love kids than to like them," one client of mine said."
The column "Raising Good Kids in Tough Times" was...

The Games of Youth
As children grow, their priorities change. A shy three-year-old's concern for being near Mommy becomes less later on as independence develops. A six-year-old's concern with pleasing his teacher is complicated later on by a concern to be properly "cool" with friends.
Game 1: "Testing, testing, are you still my friend?"
"Those teachers are so out of it. They said we can't wear our earrings in school."
"No earrings?" Mom doesn't immediately join the opposition with, "They're right," and she doesn't say they are wrong until the whole story is told. Often teen announcements are long on impact but short on details.
"Well, no dangling ones. Can they do that?"
Mom is once again put to the test. Is she for her daughter or against her? Her ex-three-year-old wants to be near Mom but also wants independence. The trick here is to accommodate old basic companionship needs without embarrassing a growing would-be independent teenager.
"I guess they're worried the dangling ones will get caught on something or somebody."
"That could happen anywhere. You're just taking their side." Testing Mom is not always the first intention of these complaints but it often creeps into the conversation later on.
Now Mom could say that's why earrings are bad and that's why she didn't want her to get her ears pierced in the first place, and the school has a responsibility. All good points; all heard before; and all feeding into the accusation: "You always take their side (you're not my friend)."
So to avoid the sticky problems of being both parent and friend and to answer the "Can they do that?" question, Mom just says, "I guess so" and stops without feeding the argument.
The earrings at school problem is one of many games where parents will be tempted to play the opposition. Sometimes that will be necessary. But when you know the outcome will be on target, why spend your social points by rubbing it in?
Game 2: "Referees are Fun" is a common game among siblings:
"Mom! Mark won't let me watch my program!"
"Mark, let your brother alone, Steven gets to watch his program now."
"It's a dumb program, and we can see the last of it later, I'm turning it to my show!"
"Mom, Mark changed the channel."
"Mark, you come out here and help me and leave Steven alone!"
"Mark pushed me!"
"You two cut that out! Mark get out here right now! If I have to come in there..."
In this game, Mom is referee - the third party the kids go to for judgment calls, penalties, and control of the game. It provides attention and some entertainment.
Most referees are also tempted to coach: "Mark, why don't you let Steven watch his program and then you can watch yours, and tomorrow at this time you will get to choose."
Coaching is usually a more comfortable role for a parent. The resolution here can't be perfect, but the goal is to get Mom out of the referee role. The brothers can stop the game, become independent and fix the problem whenever they want to.
Game 3: "My problem is your problem" is a common children's game that will develop later in teenage years into "It's your fault because you're my parent(s)." As with many of these games, frankly stating the fair truth may stop the game and allow some real progress.
"This homework is due tomorrow!"
"Well, you'd better get at it."
"Where's some paper?"
"In the desk."
"I already looked there."
"Why don't you try upstairs?"
"Mom! It's supposed to be down here! Could you go look?"
"Hold it, Andy, your homework is your responsibility, don't make it my problem."
Many readers have told me of other games: "Yes, but..," "I gotcha!" "If you really loved me, you would...," and "I'll bet you can't make me happy" - all played partly for parental attention and partly to gradually cross over from parental protection to later independence.
Good parental listening skills are important in handling these games. When the conversation starts, look at your son or daughter rather than a TV screen or newspaper. Don't give the impression that you will miss what's really going on. This will let your child know that you're not likely to be fooled by any game.
Feeding back what your child just said is a good habit during these conversations. Let him know that you heard what he said by repeating it. Avoid suggesting solutions. They only lead to "make-me-happy" or "my-problem-is-yours." Also, suggesting solutions makes you sound superior and tempts your child to counter with another complaint just to stay even.
Independence is not only gradual, it is also scary. Kids like to test the waters and yet be able to retreat to the security of early childhood. Sometimes assertive, sometimes childish sons and daughters are the norm. The games are a normal way to learn and practice how far they have come and how far they have to go.

2009-04-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Many parent letters to behavior.org (where I am editor of the parenting branch) complain that the older teenagers are unhappy and unprepared for life problems. I have forwarded the following column in answer to those letters. Over the years parents have sent over 600
e-mails to behavior.org.

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Can You Give a Happy Easter?
Can you make a child happy with chocolate eggs, bunnies or a spring outing? Sometimes it seems like a thankless job. Teaching and coaching about time, money and happiness is a childhood-long parenting style.
This parenting skill is needed much earlier than many believe. Attitudes about handling money and budgeting time develop early and are followed quickly by the problems of love, sex and the happiness game.
Time. Seven hours a day they cruise the computer and TV channels. That’s how our eight to 18-year-olds spend their day.
The choices change as they grow—eight-year-olds watch more TV while 17-year olds listen to more music and text, Twitter and Facebook through their day. It doesn’t make much difference which technology they choose since they remember next to nothing of their “techno-chatter” because there’s no practice, just staring, added to a little thumb and finger exercise.
Little time is left for family and recreation activities, which leaves no doubt as to why today’s kids are more depressed and 15 pounds heavier than the kids of the 70s.
What can parents do? Mom and Dad should know what programs, TV or computer, their children are watching. Parents should set time limits on these non-activities. Only 20 percent of seventh to 12th graders report that their parents enforce time and content rules.
Hobbies, crafts, and sports give children and teens a chance to learn new skills and develop pride in their abilities instead of envying the bad habits of TV characters. Invest in good age-appropriate reading materials and, of course, insist on schoolwork before entertainment.
Money. Our teens follow the latest news about celebrities and their millions. They can easily conclude that success and money will surely lead to lifelong happiness. But the latest celebrity biographies tell us that success and money just didn't do it.
The great and near-great often dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.
What are your teens learning about mortgages, leases and car insurance that they will need in just a few years? If they have no experience with these expenses why would they care about money? Maybe they would drive more reasonably if they faced the bills every month.
I asked one teen, “Did your insurance go up when you had that fender bender?”
His answer, “Uh, I don’t know.”
Happiness. Every teenager has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.
First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy." Mr. or Ms. Right usually can’t complete the happiness job either.
So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. It’s what we do, what we learn and how we use what we learn that makes a good day.
I suppose we all dwell in each of the three stages occasionally. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol from stage two but remain well attached to the toys-and-money stage. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if you set an example before them.
Adults know that mowing, washing the car or just complimenting a friend can make a person feel better all day. Teenagers need to realize that too, but are often too occupied with their ipod or with shopping at the mall to learn that washing the car or helping a friend can feel good.
So when your child-teen says, “I bet you can’t make me happy,” tell him, “No, I can’t, but I bet you can.”
Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the Journal or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.

Bedtime

2009-02-06T07:24:00.000-08:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Kids Who Won’t Sleep
We adults have learned to deal with our morning grogginess after a bad night’s sleep. As our head clears, we get on with our day.
Kids don’t have that self control, and they may have no idea that last night’s restless sleep has anything to do with their bad behavior or upcoming tantrum. Even parents might not relate today’s problem to last night’s bedtime row.
The National Sleep Foundation reviewed Take Charge of Your Child’s Sleep by Judith Owens and Jody Mindell in which the authors explain that caffeine and its “sister” chemicals, theophyline and theobromine, are central nervous system stimulants. They give the kids a buzz, increasing heart rate and a sense of alertness. The effect begins in about 15 minutes and lasts three to eight hours. There is no evidence that caffeine makes a drunk person sober or fit to drive.
Caffeine remains the number one disruptor of sleep because consumption per child has doubled in the past 35 years. The addiction can last way beyond the teen years as pre-adults deliberately use a big dose of Red Bull, Monster or Starbucks products to pump themselves up in the day and to stay up too late at night.
In addition to caffeine, sleep problems in children have other common sources such as certain prescription medications, interference from pets, upsetting television or video games just before bedtime, inadequate exercise or exercise too close to bedtime, excess weight and bedtime arguments.
Several studies show that most people, children, teens and adults, get too little sleep. Children need nine to 11 hours of sleep. Less can lead to misbehavior, learning difficulties, poor grades and out-of-control reactions.
Saferchild.org explains how you can tell if your child is sleep deprived. Is he difficult to wake up in the morning? Does he take more than 45 minutes to go to sleep at night? If awakened does he have trouble going back to sleep? Does she snore or seem to struggle to breathe? Does he need to sleep in? Does she wake up cranky, get cranky or fall asleep easily in the afternoon?
Many professionals recommend this checklist for easing bedtime problems:
1. Have a routine. Your child should not fall asleep in your bed, on the couch, on the floor or in the car; he should fall asleep in his own bed.
2. Have a quiet period before bed, such as reading a book together.
3. Keep caffeine out of the house and TV out of the bedroom.
4. If necessary, add a “friend,” such as a comforting stuffed animal—not a toy that is noisy or can be turned on.
5. Give your child water. Avoid holding back on water just so he sleeps through the night. Many children cannot sleep when thirsty.
6. Check medications. Common meds, even those prescribed for ADHD, can cause sleep problems and next-day tantrums.
7. Find out what’s wrong. Explore issues that might be troubling her. Is she afraid of something or annoyed by certain sounds?
Hold to your evening routine. Most solutions for sleep problems are in the activities and diet of the day already ending.
Dr. McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the Journal or go to www.ParentSuccess.com.

2009-01-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Acting Right Starts with Eating Right
Ed. Note: This is the first in a three-part series about early basics that last through the teen years.
You would think teaching children the basics would be easy, but sometimes eating and sleeping can be a battle from the beginning of childhood. Even toilet training can produce conflict long after it should have been over with.
We parents must be doing a pretty good job since almost all teenagers learn the eating, sleeping and bathroom skills well enough. Yet “well enough” may leave the foundation of life-long health problems. Why are the basics so much trouble?
Eating is problematic because little ones don’t always know why, or if, they feel hungry and parents have only secondhand information. All parents have experienced a baby pushing away food she is offered only to find that a dirty diaper was the real problem. Yet many of us cling to the notion that food will solve the problem of a fussy child. Later on, the child may also believe the happiness-food connection and carry it into adulthood.
The best parental control over diet is in the supermarket. If Mom doesn’t buy sugar-laden food, caffeine and fatty snacks, the kids will fuss but they will have to eat their fat, salt and sugar somewhere else. Kids are not good advisors at the food store. If they are going to be trouble, shop when you can shop alone.
One mother told me that her son’s stubbornness about food changed when she gave him part of the cooking chores. Once he began helping to prepare meats and vegetables, his choices at meals were wider and more reasonable.
Many parents have healthy children with no problems related to diet except occasionally eating too little and often eating too much. Statisticians tell us that 2004 was the year obesity took over as the No. 1 cause of early death in the U.S.
Controlling the quantity of food can be even harder than controlling the quality. A good solution for this problem is to serve meals buffet style, allowing each person to serve himself but then putting away the leftovers before beginning to eat in order to discourage second helpings.
Another good strategy is to serve one course at a time – soup or salad with nothing else yet on the table, then another course. The advantage of this routine is that food has time to get to the body sensors that signal fullness. Fast eating usually means over-eating and bad choices.
Manners are best taught by infrequent corrections and by example. Table nagging may only result in arguments and the children may learn to resist Mom and Dad’s control or they may learn to eat to please them – neither outcome is healthy preparation for a lifetime of eating.
West Virginia is now No. 1 in obesity. Type 2 diabetes, previously considered an adult disease, has also increased dramatically among children. The U.S. Surgeon General’s office says a weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds above normal weight increases the risk of developing diabetes to twice that of people who have not gained extra weight. Half of West Virginia’s children have gained this extra weight and risk.
While the kids are still young, be very selective at the supermarket. When it comes to diet the kids have no idea what is good for them and parents have to see that the choices coming home are good ones.
Next time: What makes a good night’s sleep?

2009-01-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

Most new parents are worried about the basic three: The children's diet, their sleeping habits and toilet training when that comes along. To help ease those worries, I am adding three blog comments taken from my recent column, Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.

Basic number 1:
Acting Right Starts with Eating Right
You would think teaching children the basics would be easy, but sometimes eating and sleeping can be a battle from the beginning of childhood. Even toilet training can produce conflict long after it should have been over with.
We parents must be doing a pretty good job since almost all teenagers learn the eating, sleeping and bathroom skills well enough. Yet “well enough” may leave the foundation of life-long health problems. Why are the basics so much trouble?
Eating is problematic because little ones don’t always know why, or if, they feel hungry and parents have only secondhand information. All parents have experienced a baby pushing away food she is offered only to find that a dirty diaper was the real problem. Yet many of us cling to the notion that food will solve the problem of a fussy child. Later on, the child may also believe the happiness-food connection and carry it into adulthood.
The best parental control over diet is in the supermarket. If Mom doesn’t buy sugar-laden food, caffeine and fatty snacks, the kids will fuss but they will have to eat their fat, salt and sugar somewhere else. Kids are not good advisors at the food store. If they are going to be trouble, shop when you can shop alone.
One mother told me that her son’s stubbornness about food changed when she gave him part of the cooking chores. Once he began helping to prepare meats and vegetables, his choices at meals were wider and more reasonable.
Many parents have healthy children with no problems related to diet except occasionally eating too little and often eating too much. Statisticians tell us that 2004 was the year obesity took over as the No. 1 cause of early death in the U.S.
Controlling the quantity of food can be even harder than controlling the quality. A good solution for this problem is to serve meals buffet style, allowing each person to serve himself but then putting away the leftovers before beginning to eat in order to discourage second helpings.
Another good strategy is to serve one course at a time – soup or salad with nothing else yet on the table, then another course. The advantage of this routine is that food has time to get to the body sensors that signal fullness. Fast eating usually means over-eating and bad choices.
Manners are best taught by infrequent corrections and by example. Table nagging may only result in arguments and the children may learn to resist Mom and Dad’s control or they may learn to eat to please them – neither outcome is healthy preparation for a lifetime of eating.
West Virginia is now No. 1 in obesity. Type 2 diabetes, previously considered an adult disease, has also increased dramatically among children. The U.S. Surgeon General’s office says a weight gain of 11 to 18 pounds above normal weight increases the risk of developing diabetes to twice that of people who have not gained extra weight. Half of West Virginia’s children have gained this extra weight and risk.
While the kids are still young, be very selective at the supermarket. When it comes to diet the kids have no idea what is good for them and parents have to see that the choices coming home are good ones.
Next time: What makes a good night’s sleep?

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 18

2008-07-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

What Will Make You Happy?

Our teens are forever following the latest news about their celebrities and their millions. It's easy to conclude that success and money would surely lead to lifelong happiness. But as the later biographies come rolling out we learn success and money just didn't do it.

The great and near great often trip over their own egos on their way to the good life or they dabble in drugs or alcohol, and then get stuck in these very sticky habits that they can't give up.

Every child has a view of what would make him or her happy. The majority of us feel we are not quite there yet. We need something else.

"Mom, If I could just have to have that toy! It was on TV, everybody's got one."
Even parents of teenagers will recognize this routine. There's just one more thing and then...there's just one more thing.

The routine changes as the kids grow up. First it's toys and things, then quickly it's the money that would bring us the things. Even us adults believe at times that if we could win the lottery everything would be fine.

I suppose none of us ever completely leaves this "Money and Things Could Make Me Happy" stage, but by the time we reach our teens, our experience with the celebrity stories has added a new stage: "If I Could Just Meet Mr. (or Ms.) Right, I Would Be Happy."

But, alas, even when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along he or she usually comes up short on making us completely happy—probably because as both parties enter this new relationship, they bring ourselves along.

So we discover stage three: Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. The control, in the end, belongs only to you. And it's not the destination that brings happiness, it's how you handle the trip. Every day we each re-create our focus? What priority do you give to things, people, and your own inner peace, today?

I suppose, we all dwell in all three stages from time to time. Children start in stage one and most teens are infatuated with an idol for stage two but remain well attached to the toys and money view of stage one and need lots of guidance. They will begin to see a glimmer of the do-it-yourself stage three if an example is set before them.

Here's where parents, grandparents, and other adults is the family come into the happiness quest. If the important members of the family say, "If I only had more money, more stuff, I would be happy," then the kids are likely to end up with the same hopeless opinion.

To help your son or daughter reach a deeper sense of happiness, you have to admire yourself occasionally, and you also need to admire your child now and then. "You know, I'm kind of proud of the way the garden turned out this year." And for your child, "I heard the way you helped your friend Lisa when she was feeling down. You are a good friend."

A parent-child conversation that takes inventory of a child's successes and strengths can help with the do-it-yourself job of happiness. "What a talent you have for understanding these computers. Your mom and I need you around just to keep us out of trouble!"

Adults know that a garden activity, a compliment, or just a reflection about a person's own good character, can move that person away from depression and toward happiness. Teenagers need to realize that too, but often have yet to learn that instead of a ski trip or more shopping, the activity can be gardening or helping a friend.

Happiness is not achieved by acquiring stuff, or even the right companion. It comes from satisfaction with yourself and what you are doing. Parents can help their children with this growth by reminding them of their good points and moments.

Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 16

2008-06-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Computer Companions

Even our grandparents were concerned about the effect of the media on their children whether it was the radio or the movies. Violence, shallow values, simplistic answers to life's questions, and relationships too sexual and too oriented to looks and popularity seemed to have been prevalent even back then. By 1950, TV was developing fast and the concerns were intensified.

Now the kids have computers for companions and the parents vs the media struggle has escalated. As we already know from the movies and TV, media can take a lot of time away from the family. Even when family time gets its turn, it can seem tame after hours of exciting computer games and TV programs with problems and solutions every 27 minutes.

Like the TV challenge to parental influence, computer companions subtract from exercise and real experience with social skills, friends, and life's stresses. As a source of information, the computer companion can become more credible than parents or teachers! And your child's computer companion can slip in a lot of information unobserved by parents because computers are usually more isolated from family traffic than TV's and therefore less supervised.

Here's another place where parents need to set limits on how much and what kind of programs (TV or computer) their children watch and use. Put violence off limits and make it a habit to look over your son or daughter's shoulder frequently. "What are you watching?" is still a legitimate question for parents even if the screen is a monitor and not a TV.

Parents may be tempted to use VCR's, TV's, and computer companions to keep the children busy. While computer companions are not necessarily bad babysitters, their best role is as a basis for family discussions to be sure sons and daughters come away with a realistic view of the programs.

Children are often disappointed that the real world doesn't measure up to the excitement of TV and computer games. Adults, on the other hand, are often disappointed that the games and the TV don't measure up to the real world where success requires work, relationships require respect, and risky behaviors produce logical consequences. So the subjects can provide a lot of opportunity for discussion of character-building values. Since the media programs also provide a potential for disagreement, parents need to keep the discussion pleasant and avoid making the conversation into a competitive sport.

Projects and crafts that have concrete results are good competition for the computer companion and are much more likely to attract attention, admiration, and strengthen a child's or teen's value of his own usefulness. It will be his value of himself - not his computer companion - gained from his discussions with you and his own successes that will protect him when he is tempted by those dangerous teenage behaviors.

Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.

For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 14

2008-06-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Mind Your Model

Imitation is the most common human behavior. Not that we don't think for ourselves, but in the volume of everyday activities we follow habits and leads from others. The family atmosphere develops from these regular reactions and imitated attitudes.

Parental reactions, critical and angry or fair and loving, are copied by the children in their responses back to the parents and on to others. These recycle through the family, and everyone reaps a little of what they sow. Give a Nice Day!

Everyone has seen parents who are always riding their children: "Blow your nose." "Tuck in your shirt," "Don't touch," and so on. On the other hand, we have all seen parents who never react and let their children run wild with no consideration for others or their property. Both extremes lead to problems.

Where, in the middle ground, is the right style of correction?

Most parents know what bad behavior is and they have no trouble recognizing it. But when asked what good behavior is, their answers become vague. A good exercise for parents is to list the specific good behavior they are looking for: doing something for his little brother, taking his dishes in from the table, getting dressed in the morning. With such a list of specific actions in mind it's easier to "catch 'em being good!"

Parents can also develop a better feeling in the family by planning their responses to the childrens' behavior. They can select which behaviors to encourage and which to discourage and decide to ignore the other troublesome behaviors for the time being. This plan cuts down on the temptation to constantly ride their children with complaints and criticisms.

Parents who frequently praise and encourage their children usually have a positive, and less frantic, family situation. A mother who balances criticism with encouragements and frequent compliments is more influential and closer to her children than Mom, the critic.

If you are a single parent, it may be all the more difficult to say to yourself, as a spouse might: "Don't let me pick on the kids; stop me and point out the good things I do."

In reacting to everyday problems, children most commonly imitate the adults they are with at home and school, and they imitate the style more often than the actions. Attitudes toward others, conversational style, and temperament are the durable characteristics of teachers and parents that are copied.

The disposition to punish and correct others can be learned just as easily as the disposition to encourage others but the results are vastly different. Punishment creates tension and sour feelings in the home and only shows that out of all the responses the child could have made, he has chosen the wrong one - try again. Little information is available in that.

Praise and encouragement makes for a happier home and tells the child that of all the things he could have done, this is one of the right ones.

A rewarding reaction is more difficult for parents because it takes time to decide what to reward and how to do it, but you will have a more pleasant job as a parent and you will have a child who is still informative, friendly, responsive, and not always wanting to go somewhere else!

Dr. Roger McIntire is Retired Associate Dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents. Contact him through the Journal or go to Parentsuccess.com.

Raising Good Keds in Tough Times - 12

2008-06-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

School, Friends, and the Ten Commandments: A Parent's Role

A judge asked a teen in court for mugging, "Didn't your parents teach you about respect for others, about principles and character?" The teen said, "Character? I don't think the subject ever came up!"

It's a surprising answer, but character can be an uncomfortable subject as the discussion leads from lying and stealing to dangerous and degrading sexual activities. Many parents find it easier to let others do the explaining and the preaching. But even these parents will do most of their teaching by their model. They are always on stage; their views, attitudes, and disposition are the ones most likely copied—even by the teenager who says he will never be like his parents. Imitation is still the most common human behavior.

Whatever your views of the rights and legal wherefores concerning posting the commandments in schools, it's a good time to look for opportunities to talk over the values expressed in the commandments with your son or daughter. As a parent, you have the most influence. By your example, you teach your version of respect for others and the principles of character; the TV, movies, and even the posters in school rate a long second compared to parental influence.

In order for your children to explore their opinions and form their own view of good character, they need to tinker with many ideas. If every remark is criticized, if every conversation is treated as a tennis game where each return requires yet another return until someone wins, teens will harden their defensive style early, say less, think less, and the exploration stage will be short. These discussions should be open and free of personal attacks such as: Why would you think of that. That shows that you are to blame, wrong, or off-base.

Treating the ideas of character, values, and values of the spirit requires a moratorium on who wins or loses. Once the score card is started in a conversation, the tallies get more attention than the ideas.

Specifics in the area of character are hard to agree on. In the definition most of us would include honesty, reliability, respect and consideration of others. Some would add a sense of fairness, loyalty and citizenship, concern and cooperation with the community.

Of course the subject will have to come up in order for all of these topics to be discussed. Who will start it off? Who will provide time and attention to allow a child in these times to stop and consider the answers to questions of character? Most parents I know find that getting behind their child and pushing them toward a better character is not as effective as getting out in front of their child with their own model to imitate and providing a safe and comfortable situation to talk.

Since social development, attitude, choice of friends, relationships, and self-image are so dependent on how it goes at school, the example set by parental attitudes toward school, other students, and people in general will be important.

The advocates of posting the ten commandments fear that the reminders of values, principles, and character will be left out. So it's all the more important to mind your model and see that the subject of character does come up in discussion at home.

Next Tuesday: Siblings, Birth order, and Getting Along at home. Please send your comments and letters to the Journal.

Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.
For more information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 7

2008-06-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

College Success: How Parents Can Help
Amy called home every week when she started college. Her Mom would respond, "Oh, Amy, I hope you are well. We miss you so much. Little Pam keeps saying, 'When is Amy coming home?'"
Amy endured the weekly tugs on the guilt strings for six weeks, then she came to my office to do the paper work to drop out. Her short college career was partly due to Mom's unintentional focus on the negative.

Parents can help with college adjustment by keeping the calls up-beat, the pressure about jobs, money, and grades as low as possible.
Our surveys show that only 10% of college dropouts have grades too low. Working and living far from campus are the most outstanding differences between the successful college students and the dropouts, the surveys show. Most dropouts work too many hours at an outside job too far away.

Parents may be proud of sons and daughters who juggle busy schedules of jobs and school, but if the job takes over, the only parts of the college experience left to quit are the classes. Encourage your college-bound son or daughter to live and work close to the school environment and work only the necessary hours at an outside job.

Trouble selecting a major and a career is another large factor in the dropout statistics. Most state universities have 100 or more majors, but few first-time students can name 20! No wonder over 90% of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.

Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is to educate about the variety of life's opportunities.

Students are often tempted to put off the decision about a major by leaving college for "a year off." But if college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision. It's a long way from graduation to retirement!

Most colleges have career counselors who can be a great help if they are in on the early planning. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.

Habits, usually started at home, concerning health (sleeping, diet, and alcohol), and management of time and money, make up the other dangerous pitfalls in the college journey. College students are young enough to be one of the most healthy groups in our society, yet they have a poor health record. Parents of teens with a year or two of high school left can prepare their sons and daughters for the challenges of caring for themselves and their time and money.

The mail boxes of most college students will be filled with offers of sales and credit cards that soon require more payments that lead to more hours at work. Caution your college student to keep life simple with few obligations to make payments on cars, credit, and clothes.

Next week we will take up school, homework, and computers. Join us this Saturday, the 28th, at 1 pm for a discussion of these and other parent-related topics at Waldenbooks in the Martinsburg Mall.

Dr. Roger McIntire is author of College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes, Teenagers and Parents, and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 6

2008-06-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

College Success: How Parents Can Help
Amy called home every week when she started college. Her Mom would respond, "Oh, Amy, I hope you are well. We miss you so much. Little Pam keeps saying, 'When is Amy coming home?'"
Amy endured the weekly tugs on the guilt strings for six weeks, then she came to my office to do the paper work to drop out. Her short college career was partly due to Mom's unintentional focus on the negative.
Parents can help with college adjustment by keeping the calls up-beat, the pressure about jobs, money, and grades as low as possible.
Our surveys show that only 10% of college dropouts have grades too low. Working and living far from campus are the most outstanding differences between the successful college students and the dropouts, the surveys show. Most dropouts work too many hours at an outside job too far away.
Parents may be proud of sons and daughters who juggle busy schedules of jobs and school, but if the job takes over, the only parts of the college experience left to quit are the classes. Encourage your college-bound son or daughter to live and work close to the school environment and work only the necessary hours at an outside job.
Trouble selecting a major and a career is another large factor in the dropout statistics. Most state universities have 100 or more majors, but few first-time students can name 20! No wonder over 90% of freshmen change their major somewhere along the way.
Parents can help here also by talking over the majors represented in the early required courses and keeping the pressure to make an early decision low. One primary advantage of college is to educate about the variety of life's opportunities.
Students are often tempted to put off the decision about a major by leaving college for "a year off." But if college is viewed as a source of information about choices, then staying in makes sense. Little is lost by taking courses to explore the wide range of majors and careers before making this important decision. It's a long way from graduation to retirement!
Most colleges have career counselors who can be a great help if they are in on the early planning. With their help in the first year or two, both the student's interests and the practical side of career training can usually be accommodated.
Habits, usually started at home, concerning health (sleeping, diet, and alcohol), and management of time and money, make up the other dangerous pitfalls in the college journey. College students are young enough to be one of the most healthy groups in our society, yet they have a poor health record. Parents of teens with a year or two of high school left can prepare their sons and daughters for the challenges of caring for themselves and their time and money.
The mail boxes of most college students will be filled with offers of sales and credit cards that soon require more payments that lead to more hours at work. Caution your college student to keep life simple with few obligations to make payments on cars, credit, and clothes.
Next week we will take up school, homework, and computers. Join us this Saturday, the 28th, at 1 pm for a discussion of these and other parent-related topics at Waldenbooks in the Martinsburg Mall.

Dr. Roger McIntire is author of College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes, Teenagers and Parents, and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.

Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 5

2008-06-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Teenager Priorities

What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times

Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Raising Good Kids in Tough TImes - 4

2008-06-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times

By Dr. Roger McIntire

Punishing Children Properly

What's a parent to do when the children misbehave? Physical punishment like spanking and slapping is only an option if the person is small enough. As the child gets older and bigger, parents who spank their children have to look for alternatives and by then the disadvantages have accumulated - the worst being that the child imitates the parent!
"Get Tough" advocates are on the wrong track for several reasons. First, a child faced with physical punishment becomes afraid. Learning slows and creativity stops because it's too risky to stick your creative neck out if your mistakes will be punished!
Second, the hard-line approach will be, must be, inconsistent. A parent cannot, and should not, be consistent with punishment. Without the inconsistencies of warnings, threats and postponements, the rules are too inhuman. Yet with the "verbal decorations" the game and the power struggle begin.
Third, punishment is, of course, insulting. It belittles the child and lowers his value of himself. That's why adults are so insulted if you try punishment on them! The child defends himself, attempts to escape, or tries to "win" the game. Parents can "win" the power struggle, but for every winner a loser is made! And losers eventually call in absent.
Other side effects may include anxious nail-biting, hair-twirling, and distractions that allow children to ignore parents such as video games and TV.
The adult alternatives are much better. For example, if you come to my house for dinner tonight and spill your drink at the table, you don't expect me to say: "Hey! What do you think you're doing? You're so clumsy! Now pay attention to what you're doing or I'll send you home!"
What nerve! Treating a guest like a child! What happened to "making amends?" "The benefit of the doubt?" You expect me to belittle the problem.
"I'm sorry, do you have a towel?"
"No problem, I'll take care of it..."
We deal with the mistake together as a third thing, not you, not me.
Ignoring is also an adult strategy, but it has to be used carefully. If a parent plans to ignore the bad behavior, the usual amount of acting up will no longer get the attention the child seeks, and he may escalate the volume! Parents may revert to punishment for this higher level and then return to the ignoring rule only to go back to punishment when the volume again reaches pain threshold.
We all know families where this power struggle is out of hand. To make the ignoring plan work, you need to emphasize the positive, giving praise when your child behaves well. Considering all the possible mistakes, a child isn't much closer to good behavior by just being told, "Wrong!"
When bad behavior can't be ignored, and making amends and hoping for opportunities for encouragement are not enough, try a time out. Most parents are familiar with the drill of putting the child on a chair or in his/her room for a little cooling off and isolation. This can work well if the time out is short so that threats, arguments, and other verbal decorations that often precede it can be kept to a minimum.
Many parents have found the act of starting the time-out, putting the child in the chair or room, is the effective part. Ten or 15 seconds is enough for two-year-olds, and one minute is enough for four, five, and six-year-olds. The message was sent when the prompt decision was made and we are more likely to act promptly and consistently when our consequence is moderate.
The best parental strategy will include praising the good behavior, ignoring the tolerable, and reacting with logical, mild, and consistent reprimands to the bad.

Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times - 3

2008-06-04T05:57:00.000-07:00

Raising Goods Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

"Mom (Dad), can we talk?" signals the most important question in child-rearing. A right answer here and the rest of the day will be easier. Children are not always straightforward with this crucial question but they are always knocking at the window of your attention.
It's not easy to turn off the TV or interrupt your work when you hear, "Can we talk?" but your full attention is important.
At the beginning, your attitude is signaled by your physical reaction. Remember that difficult teacher who would never look at you when you had a question? She or he may also have faced away so that your attention lagged and your confidence drained away. The listening habit requires facing up to your conversational partner, not "in their face" but looking at them and showing that you are paying attention.
The next part of listening requires an understanding of a fundamental difference between parent and children in conversation. Children and teens, first of all, want to know, "What does this conversation say about ME?" We parents thought the subject was the most important part! So parents need to put the blames, faults, and "quick-fixes" on hold while protecting a son or daughter's always-fragile self-confidence. It's a risky moment for a child because of his vulnerability and possible embarrassment. Instead of saying, "You should be more..." and "Don't be so..." keep the conversation open by saying, "What did they say after that..." and "Then what happened?"
Even a solution with the best intentions may be viewed by a teen as a turn-off that says, "You don't know, be quiet and let me tell you." The child becomes defensive possibly before their real topic has even surfaced. So avoiding the personal criticism by getting into the "It" instead of the "You" habit leaves time for your child to bring up his real topic at his own pace.
Conversation does not make a good competitive sport. Constant maneuvering to be a winner or make a loser only turns the attention to the score instead of the topic. This is not a tennis game where every ball must be returned and every mistake noted and corrected. Without the competitive atmosphere, parents can set a less frantic pace.
So mind your body language; conversation is more than what is said and heard. Avoid instant criticism, blame or accusations, and try the "it" instead of the "you" method. Often when a child says, "You just don't understand!" they really mean, "You're blaming me as a person; I want to start with something else." Good listening allows information to flow to you; poor listening only produces a game with a final score. That's why the first requirement of tolerance and acceptance is needed in the earliest years and in the earliest part of each conversation.

Raising Good Teens in Tough Times - 2

2008-06-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Teenager Priorities
What is the top priority of most teenagers? Adults would put family, security and friends near the top, but most teens I know also assign high priorities to being liked, competent, and "cool."
As for the greatest fears, teens usually put fear of embarrassment, mistakes, and failure at the top of the list. Memories of our own teenage experiences include these same concerns - yearning to be liked and worried about embarrassment.
The next teen you encounter will probably have all these priorities and fears - all disguised or covered by an attitude that says everything is just fine. That teen needs you to confirm his or her competencies, likableness, and "coolness." Look for chances to ease the fear and bolster the confidence. Even though you may find plenty to fix and teach your teen, keep to the positive and avoid the urge to work for perfection. Many adults have sadly told me: "As far as my parents are concerned, I always felt I was never quite good enough."
So while talking to your teen, remember that criticisms, quick-fixes, advice, and focus on shortcomings hit vulnerable buttons. Admiration, compliments, and respect for who they are and their successes are always gratefully received even if they are too "cool" to acknowledge it.
Be generous with your positive support, find the good points. Encourage your teens to value themselves and you will help insulate them from the temptations to try dangerous "S.A.D." behaviors: sex, alcohol, and drugs.
Since "coolness" is related to being "non-parent," your teen may also worry she will be accused of being similar to an adult such as a parent, perish the thought!
Still most of us are surprised to eventually hear ourselves say, "I can't believe I said that, I sound just like my Dad (Mom)!"
Teens are always struggling to be their own adult and yet still tempted to be reckless, irresponsible children, too. This preoccupation with who they are and whether they are properly cool makes life tough for your teenager. They must always be on guard, questioning each comment from their parents and wondering: What are you saying about ME? Are you challenging one of my desires to be cool (hep, with it, in, or whatever the word for the upcoming generation is)? Are you endangering me with one of my greatest fears of embarrassment, a mistake uncovered, a failure?
Parents try to make their children and their teens as similar to themselves as possible; they try to instill their standards, their view, their attitude towards community, work, family, religion, and values. It's the way we pass along our culture.
Children and teens try to make themselves as different from their parents as possible! They feel a drive to get out from under the umbrella of protection and influence of their parents. That's the way we change, and hopefully improve, the culture!
As your teenager approaches adulthood, positive comments to your teen will be your most effective influence. Let it never be said by your son or daughter, "I always felt I was never quite good enough."
Dr. Roger McIntire is author of Teenagers and Parents
and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times

Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com

Rasing Good Kids in Tough Times - 1

2008-06-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire

Dealing with Kids' Tantrums

Parents are often surprised by tantrums just when they think the children should be most satisfied and happy. But the disruption of routine can be a trigger just because it's confusing or because regular sleep and meal schedules are changed. Also childish expectations are often unrealistic and disappointment is inevitable. Keeping these reasons in mind can help a parent be patient when tantrums occur at odd times.
When a child who regularly throws tantrums has a request, parents need to make a careful decision. As every parent knows, the decision to deny the request should not be altered by a tantrum, but often a less clear reaction gets parents into hotter water.
The request from an explosive child may tempt the parents to put off a confrontation with, "I'll think about it," or "We'll have to wait until your mother (or father) comes home." This sets up a long and risky period when a tantrum is likely. For the moment the request is denied, but it was done in a weak way that tempts the child to fight for what he or she wants - plenty of time to try out a tantrum along with other obnoxious behavior.
Also, putting off the child leaves him with nothing to do. It takes experience and creativity to put aside one line of activity and take up another while waiting for an answer to come down from the parental powers. Instead of switching to a new activity, the childish thing to do is cling to the present direction and push for an answer. Nagging is followed by complaining, then frustration and attack, and then the whole tantrum.
Another argument for prompt decisions is that they allow less time for a tantrum to develop and for parents to give in. With delayed decisions, parents are tempted to hold out until bad behavior gets worse. Giving in then is certainly a move in the wrong direction. Delays in decisions and giving in to expanding tantrums develop the childish willingness to try to manipulate others by making them miserable.
Many parents I know have used the "all stop" method with success. The term comes from the Navy when the ship captain commands, "All stop!" and all engines, whether in reverse, slow, or full speed, are shut down and the ship is dead in the water. For tantrums it means no progress is possible until the tantrum stops - no discussion, no alternatives, no argument. Mom merely says, "We're in "all stop" until you stop this tantrum."
The pitfall to this approach is that most of us will not really stop. We are tempted to continue to talk, cajole, plead and threaten - especially if the tantrum gets longer and louder. If this attention is part of the child's reason for tantruming, then we're going in the wrong direction again by providing attention only for escalation.
Keep your reactions plain and unentertaining. No sense in providing a new challenge – plain vanilla will do.
And speaking of escalation, parents need to guard against escalating their own volume and anger, thus providing additional bad behavior to be imitated.
Many parents have told me that tantrums occur at regular times - often when routine is disrupted by holidays or company, or when the competition from a sibling is the focus. Here's a good place to keep a behavior record. You may find that food shopping with your child right before dinner is likely to be a tantrum situation. Or that homework arguments right before bed produce the most tantrums.
The best solution will come from patience with a child not experienced with the unusual stress of the holidays or not mature enough to handle frustration, hunger, or fatigue without emotion. And parents can help with a thoughtful and consistent reaction when tantrums do erupt.

Dr. Roger McIntire is retired associate dean from the University of Maryland and author of Raising Good Kids in Tough Times, Teenagers and Parents, and College Keys: Getting In, Doing Well, and Avoiding the 4 Big Mistakes.

Copyright: Summit Crossroads Press. For permissions contact Summit Crossroads Press at 1-800-362-0985 or for other information, visit Parentsuccess.com on the net, or contact Dr. McIntire or the publisher by e-mail: sumcross@aol.com